Tag Archives: #loveyourself

Urgent Reminder

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I need to remind myself of a few things this evening ……..

1) Bring the best version of yourself to every situation – there’s no guarantee you’ll be received with open arms but you’ll walk away with no regrets.

2) Don’t hesitate to give up anything or anyone that causes you to question your worth.

3) There are a lot of broken people with good intentions, don’t allow everyone to pour into you.

3.1) The person / place / or thing that leaves you feeling inspired is what / who you should gravitate towards.

3.2) The person / place / or thing that leaves you mentally drained shouldn’t have a permanent position at your table.

4) Your bad days are temporary, don’t exist within those moments long term.

5) you are more than enough! You are more than enough! YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH!

I tend to get inside of my own head when something isn’t going right. I’ve learned that my sanity rests within the narrative of my thoughts – so anytime I’m feeling mentally overwhelmed I recite positive affirmations to encourage myself. In talking with a friend recently I was asked “why not encourage yourself before there’s trouble on the horizon?” – Great idea!

The Eyes Don’t Lie

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Allow me to tell you a story about a teenager in love. It’s a classic girl meets boy story, but the ending is anything but happily ever after.

At sixteen she was in love from the moment he expressed interest. If she was versed on listening to what was said she would have heard what he said, sadly she’d never been taught.

He never promised her the world, he never expressed an interest in commitment but him wanting her was all that she needed to plan a wedding in her thoughts. Her imaginary children had names, her house a picket fence, and yes …. there was a tiny dog in the front yard.

One day someone approached her with boastful energy and spoke some dream shattering words. She turned to him for clarity, and trusted his truth – unfortunately it wasn’t hers.

Years passed and she still held on to her painted picture, although reality altered the vision. She’d experienced life with other people but never shook the desire to go back to him, and so she did. She learned to live with hurt because it was more bearable than the pain of not being with him.

SHE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH HURT…..

she began to accept hurt …

she trended towards people that hurt her….

she equated hurt with love….

She silently lived a hurt filled life until an elder poured wisdom into her. This woman of ripe age sat her down and said your eyes – I look in your eyes and can tell your smile is a lie. The entire conversation, which lasted all of 10 minutes, focused on the need for her to love herself more.

I said in the beginning this wasn’t a happily ever after story, but now that I reflect it really is. There’s no marriage of a lifetime nor was a child born, but she walked away from his hurt and created her own reality…. one free from pain of not being with him!

Believe that you deserve better and spend each day strengthening your ability to walk away. There’s no weakness in needing help, everyone could use a listening ear from time to time. You deserve to be loved, and that shouldn’t hurt. Your eyes tell truths your lips never speak, one day someone will see through your smile.

Let’s talk about alcoholism

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There’s a family secret invading households that doesn’t show discrimination – financial security doesn’t exempt you – gender preference doesn’t protect you – race nor religion won’t make the battle less difficult!

This secret damages self esteem and morale leaving hurt along its path. If ignored or swept under the rug long enough the battle passes down from generation to generation, terrorizing bloodlines.

For today’s thought I spoke to someone near and dear to my heart about her struggle with alcohol. I’ve celebrated her best and supported her through her worst, never truly understanding what her worst looked like behind closed doors. She’s my cousin but more like a sister, here is a glimpse into her life as an alcoholic.

Q: How did you know you had a problem with alcohol?

A: There were times I would say I wasn’t going to drink today or this week then next thing I knew I was drinking. I graduated from casually wanting a drink to needing a drink to function daily. I lost self control! The first of the twelve steps as it relates to Alcoholics Anonymous is to admit we are powerless over alcohol and that our life has become unmanageable.

Q: How has addiction affected your family?

A: I’m well loved and cared for and I know this for sure! My mom told me I needed to get help probably everyday. She threatened to have my kids taken from me, the whole nine yards, lol! My concern came when I could no longer be in denial about how my children were being affected. I was present physically but mentally and emotionally I was not there for them. At the end of the day everyone has a suggestion and or opinion, especially from the outside looking in, but none of that mattered until I began to dislike the person I had become.

Q: What was your breaking point?

A: My rock bottom was blacking out: not being able to remember long moments of time, phone calls being made, text being sent, ordering take out for the kids dinner, cussing people out for no reason other than me being drunk (although it is said a drunk tongue speaks a sober heart) so maybe they did deserve it – but seriously blacking out did it for me because I could only imagine it getting worse if it continued. Then there were the constant hangovers and uncontrollable shakes, yup all that going on became too much! Drinking was no longer pleasurable, my tolerance was increasing and it became an expensive habit.

Q: What does “one day at a time” look like in your life?

A: Simply put, just as I feel about the first step it means exactly what it says one day at a time – but for me there are moments when its one second, one minute, one hour at a time so each day is monumental for sure when you are an addict. It’s also the inspiration for my next tattoo and a possible name for my business venture.

Q: What advice can you provide someone struggling with alcoholism?

A: Find YOUR reason and believe in a higher power, something / someone higher than yourself – allow that to guide and motivate you. Do not allow yourself to be pressured, forced, manipulated or guilt tripped into seeking help IF you’re not ready. Its your journey and yours alone no matter how big your support system is (which is a beautiful thing, mine is da bomb). No one is in control of your sobriety but you! Keep in mind relapse is a part of sobriety as well so if that happens, tomorrow is a new day!

Cindy Maria is the mother of two and a Glam-ma of two. She’s born and raised in Philadelphia and the oldest of four children. In addition to making her business concept a reality she works full time and rarely misses an opportunity to create memories with family and friends. I thank her for allowing me to share her truth, in hopes of helping someone else.

If you or someone you love is an alcoholic and ready to get help please visit: http://www.aa.org

Stand

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“Tell me, how do you handle the guilt of your past?
Tell me, how do you deal with the shame?
And how can you smile while your heart has been broken
And filled with pain?” – Donnie McClurkin

This became one of my hype songs a few years ago when I was finding my way out of a situation. I was heavily in the midst of a “this is your fault” moment and punishing myself with a “you deserve it because” mindset when the song caught my attention.

I didn’t notice tears had began to stream down my face – I never turned the sound down but everything around me went silent – Other than a gentle rock back and forth I was unable to move.

In its entirety the song lasts approximately five minutes and twenty three seconds, that’s how long it took to cleanse myself of the hurt and pain I had been holding onto for too long.

In that moment I was dealing with “a” thing but unbeknownst to me a “bunch” of things had merged together and created “that” thing. It’s the “bunch” that I needed to let go of and the strength to do so came to me in the form of a melody.

Let me attempt to explain: have you ever given your best to someone who betrayed you, swore you’d never go through that with anyone else, then found yourself in a similar situation with someone else? – Stand!

Have you ever willingly participated in wrongdoing and came out unscathed but mentally battered? – Stand!

Have you ever lessened your self worth for the approval of someone else? – Stand!

Have you disappointed yourself in thought, word, or action? – Stand!

I look back on “that” thing and I have a testimony to tell (one day). I trust without a doubt that I’d be on a merry-go-round of actions and emotions if that moment had not occurred. I can’t explain why it happened when it did but I’m thankful for the cleansing.

Addiction, adultery, abuse, fornication, neglect, greed, illiteracy, failure to forgive…….. these are some of “the” things that form into “bunches”. These are the things that fester within us, poisoning our ability to love ourselves and others. These are the things we need to purge ourselves of so we can, so our children can, live life richly.

There’s a melody already written that will speak to your “thing”! Until it reaches your hearing, hold on …. or as the lyrics say, Stand!

Focus On Hope

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Fear: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger (Merriam-Webster.Com)

As I watched the opening statements of the trial against Derek Chauvin a sense of fear invaded my happy space.

This fear is embedded in the reality that the justice system has continually failed to return a guilty verdict in spite of recorded evidence going viral for the world to see.

This fear is fueled by the sound of explosives in the night, weeks after the world witnessed the horrific video of a man pinned to the ground with a knee to his neck.

This fear feeds off the memories of justified protest against the system turning into a reason for that system to fearfully react.

This fear grows stronger as I think about the neighborhoods robbed of their peace because opportunist saw this murder, another murder, as a reason to destroy.

This fear is present because I know an acquittal will ignite the rage within those looking for a reason – I also know that a guilty verdict indicates a shift is occurring and those on the losing end are more dangerous than the former.

Eight minutes 46 seconds has become the match to a flame – much like “I can’t breathe”, and “We don’t need you to follow him” – Traffic stops, playgrounds, and the confines of our home have become easily accessible fuel.

Fear is knowing in advance there isn’t a positive outcome to a system failure, but having no control.

“HOPE IS THE ONLY THING STRONGER THAN FEAR” – Robert Ludlum

My thought for tonight: “…. faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1 NIV”

Focus on hope!

Let’s talk about anxiety

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This platform is a means of sharing my thoughts, and I often find myself thinking of other people. Since taking the step of starting this blog my prayer has consistently been that the words I share will help someone else become a better version of themselves.

There are a lot of conditions plaguing the community that have been labeled taboo to talk about. Because of this stigma people are suffering in silence. This has to end!

According to the “Anxiety and Depression Association of America” 40 million adults in the United States suffer from anxiety. Why aren’t we talking about this?

I asked a friend to share her story of living with anxiety. I sent her questions that she could answer at her own pace, which I will share with you all. She completed the questionnaire in one night and text me that putting her faults on paper was overwhelming. I can’t tell you how proud I am of her for sharing – today we talk about the elephant in the room!

Q) How does living with anxiety feel?

A) Living with anxiety is going throughout the day doubting myself, my actions, and my words. It’s feeling that I cannot live up to expectations others have of me. I feel like my every thought is being judged and my every action is being critiqued. I’m always waiting for the worst case scenario. I feel like I can never truly be happy nor do I deserve to be happy. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, then I feel guilty for feeling this way. 

Q) What has your worst day felt like and what triggered it?

A) To pinpoint my worst day is difficult to do. My anxiety presents itself during any given moment of the day – anything can trigger a bad moment. When I have my bad moments it can feel like anything and everything agitates me! Something complex like a project that I’m working on isn’t turning out the way I want it to or something as simple as there’s too much chatter surrounding me can trigger my anxiety. I’ll then get more agitated because I want to sit in silence and can’t understand how people can just go on as normal, when I feel the way I do, unable to understand or unwilling to care.

Q) What methods of coping help you?

A) My ability to cope is different every time: it could be turning on music, or starting up a conversation on something totally different, playing a game on my phone, and even throwing myself into my work. To feel I have accomplished something helps with some part of my anxiety, there’s a sense of peace in knowing that I’ve made a difference to someone.

Q) What do you want people to know about anxiety?

A) ANXIETY HURTS! It hurts in ways both physical and mental. The tension throughout your body makes you feel like a big rubber band – or it settles in one part of your body. In some people it feels like they are having a heart attack, for me it hurts my brain and my soul. Telling someone to “relax” when they are dealing with anxiety does not help – I want to wind down and worry less, but I can’t. If it were as easy as just relaxing don’t you think I would. 

Q) What has anxiety limited you from doing?

A) Anxiety has limited my ability to speak my mind, and has robbed me of confidence. It makes me feel I cannot be at ease in some situations, cause I’m afraid that people will judge me. Maybe I would have a different life if I didn’t feel so limited in myself. 

Q) Where have you found strength:

A) My strength is my son! He is the reason I get up, I work, I live. I know I will need more, especially as he starts exploring life on his own. As he gets older he’ll need me less and I will need to find the strength in me for me. 

If you are dealing with anxiety please know that you’re not alone in the struggle. There is help available: go to adaa.org for information or contact your healthcare provider. You deserve happiness!

Kristi, you are a ROCKSTAR and your breakthrough is on the horizon. You are more than enough and sharing your story will help someone else through theirs. I’m one of your biggest supporters, yesterday-today-tomorrow.

Access Denied

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I caught myself speaking of an individual recently and the comment I made was “I hate him”. Instantly I felt convicted and corrected myself by way of apology and asking the Lord to remove the spirit of hate from within me.

I’m a firm believer that words have power; therefore, speaking hate into the atmosphere gives it strength.

When thinking of why my initial reaction in regards to this individual was less than loving I realized the essence of who he is isn’t loveable. There may be a back story that explains his reason for spreading droplets of misery everywhere he travels, but I’m totally not interested in those details nor his excuses – they should be reserved for his therapist!

My mother tells me regularly that I have to accept people for who they are and deal with them accordingly. I respectfully disagree – I don’t have to deal with levels of ignorance that incite rage within me! There’s not a scripture that says I have to stand as a whipping post for anyone! I will never compromise my peace for the purposes of accepting someone else as being a jerk – and, It is highly unlikely that I’ll intentionally put myself in harm’s way without reason!

My thought for today, I have to do better! The expression of hate is human but doesn’t help in my quest to do better / be better. I know better; therefore, I must have better control of my emotional response and reaction. Failure to achieve such means that I’ll allow someone else governance, and that’s unacceptable!

Revoking access to your life so that peace can be preserved doesn’t make you a bad person, it simply makes way for the emergence of a better version of who you are.

You Are Your Brand

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I’ve always thought it appropriate to meet a person at their price point if they provide a product that I want or need. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been times that I couldn’t justify paying the asking price based on the content value offered and I’ve taken my business elsewhere but I did so without arguing the self valuation presented by the seller.

Truth be told, time spent trying to tell someone what their time and talent is worth is wasted. Taking things a step further, I’m soliciting their service because I’m not in possession of the ability to manufacture the goods myself.

I’ve spent some time thinking about relationships failed and had an ah ha moment. Each time I ended up with a broken heart it was the result of me devaluing myself for the purposes of being more desirable.

At some point in life what others thought of me became less important than what I thought of myself. My circle changed and I found myself drawn to people that simultaneously empowered me to want better while encouraging me to be better.

Portfolios became more important than parties, traveling became more of an interest than $2 Tuesdays, and I became deaf to cat calls from the crowd.

I also noticed my expectations changed. The urge of wanting to be desired was replaced by the need to be respected. A place where that need could not be met was a place I could not revel in.

A shift occurred and I began to reassess my worth. I no longer felt the need to discount myself so that I could belong and I stopped allowing others to convince me that my self valuation was too high.

We are each representatives of our individual brand! We have to perform a self analysis of our worth and that’s the valuation we need to present to the world. Someone will surely come into our life and cause us to question our asking price – can you discount yourself without having regrets later? If not allow them to shop somewhere else!

Go Ahead and Be Great

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I’d argue that “Let me be great” is one of the most asinine pronouncements of independence an adult could ever make.

Think about everytime you’ve heard the declaration, was the great one trying to explain away a dumb action on their part? Were they convincing themselves that the wrongdoing they were engaged in was a minor infraction? Were they hoping you’d bow down in submission to their every day average behavior?

Do you ever hear the people that are doing great things boast about their superiority? Dr. Ala Stanford, and the Black Doctor’s Covid-19 Consortium, arguably could be a forerunner for a humanitarian award – her every press conference is focused on the work still left to be done. She is being great!

Stacey Abrams was robbed of an election victory. She turned her defeat into a platform that changed the political climate of Georgia for years to come. We, the people, speak about how bad ass she is – she speaks of the need to not become complacent. She is being great!

Aisha Drayton loss her son because a punk with a gun decided to come to her home and kill him. She poured her grief into creating I’s Visision, a foundation in his memory, and now provides fundamental services to children in need. She is being great!

If you’re out here being great is there a track record / resume that affirms your eminence or is your metric based upon the number of designer items you possess?

I currently reside in a city plagued by violence. Homicide rates are on track to be the highest we’ve ever seen and a huge number of the victims haven’t reached adulthood. I can’t claim greatness while families around me are struggling to cope and I have nothing to offer. Somewhere in the midst of this darkness is a phoenix yet to be realized – that person will be great!

Greatness is within each of us! Let’s put it in action so others will see our works – I dare you to!

This is for the ladies

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Somewhere along our journey we were taught that it’s improper to talk about female matters openly. THAT’S DUMB!

If those matters weren’t a secret I would have known years ago that my mother has cystic breast and maybe the process of finding a lump would not have terrified me to the point of tears. I shared everything I learned with anyone that would listen in hopes of providing a detour from panic attacks and anxiety.

There’s an image of my mammogram posted on social media with a plea to my female friends to take their breast health seriously. People can see my breast and identify my cyst so that if one ever appears on their images it won’t seem frighteningly foreign.

I know my body, I understand the triggers that cause my cyst to swell, and I can calculate approximately when they’ll be at their worst. I’m good – so I thought.

More recently, I’ve been told that I am premenopausal. I’ve been anxiously awaiting this process for years, not nervous but ready to embrace this next chapter. I was advised of the potential side effects: hot flashes, mood swings, weight gain, etc. I prepared a plan to cope and waited for the change to happen.

Several months into the premenopausal cycle I noticed my monthly became erratic . I transitioned from a 26 day routine to a 30, 37, 42 day routine. I was totally ok with that because I knew it meant menopause was closer.

Educational break: menopause has not been reached until you’ve gone without a menstrual cycle for 12 months straight. Menopause lasts for 1 day then you’re considered to be in the post menopausal phase.

After a few months I noticed a change in post period discharge and chalked it up to the fluctuations in cycle days. It wasn’t painful nor embarrassing – it just looked and smelled different. I made a mental note to mention it to my gynecologist and kept living my best life.

I’m 14 months into premenopause without having achieved a cycle free quarter, so that full year isn’t happening anytime soon. I have hot flashes, but they’re bearable. I’m a Sagittarius so mood swings come naturally and I love food so weight gain is expected. What wasn’t predicted was the drop in estrogen creating a rise in the vaginal ph level resulting in an overgrowth of bacteria.

That change in discharge that I noticed was caused by bacterial vaginosis (b.v.) B.V. is often characterized by a change in discharge and a not so fresh smell, sometimes fishy. It can clear by itself but for some women it requires treatment. Testing to confirm b.v. is painless and the results were available in a few days.

My gynecologist thought it best to prescribe a gel insert treatment and we’re hoping this isn’t my new norm until I reach menopause. If it is, there’s a long term plan for that as well, one that I’ll happily share if I need to cross that bridge.

My thought for tonight: let’s talk about our body. Let’s educate ourselves and others on the multitude of complications that exist within our temple. Suffering in silence doesn’t benefit us nor does it offer support to other women dealing with the same situation.

If you’ve noticed any changes in your body speak to a medical professional. YouTube University and Dr. Google can’t replace proper diagnosis and treatment – you’ll thank yourself later!