Tag Archives: #growfromit

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

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Today I’m feeling the weight of the world, and it’s heavier than I can bear. I’m exhausted in my place of comfort and frustrated with the inhabitants. There’s a sickness hidden within the walls that I’m no longer equipped to deal with. This isn’t a thought of defeat – it’s simply a thought of disgust!

I failed when I accepted the “I’m fine” assertion – yea, that was a complete disservice to myself and the situation. By the time I accepted that I couldn’t correct the behaviors it was too late.

I reached out to others for assistance and they tried, but how do you help a person that doesn’t know they need help nor want it?

The easiest thing to do is to remove myself from the situation, but that action wouldn’t prove to be advantageous – in fact it may do more harm. The more difficult option won’t be well received by any means, but it’s heavily in consideration.

I often state that I’m not an expert at anything but being Lisa, today I question my credentials.

A line from one of my favorite movies is “Sister can’t fly on only one wing” – Sparkle, 1976. Sister, played by Lonette Mckee, applied this reasoning to her need for cocaine to function. Her baby sister Sparkle, played by Irene Cara, became an addiction enabler, which was the easier route. Sister ended up dying from an overdose!

Um, enabler ….. that’s what I’ve become! There isn’t a drug involved in my situation, the dangers aren’t visible behind closed doors, but the potential for disaster exists. I know experts say a person can’t be forced into receiving help before they’re ready but in my case ready really needs to come quick!

E-X-H-A-L-E – if only choices came with a look into the future, I’m sure we’d choose differently – I know I would have swung the closed door open sooner…….

Stay In Your Lane Lisa!

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The year was 2010, I believe the month to have been August. My cousin passed and my family from near and far gathered to celebrate her life.

The service was intimate and upbeat while the message primarily focused on her longevity and the lives she touched. I recall feeling a sense of peace, which was odd because she was the sixth immediate relative to be buried in ten months. I’ve often referred to that as the worst year my family has had to endure, worst being defined by the number of people we loss.

I cope with death by mentally making sense out of it. I’ll tell myself “they lived a good life”, “they’re no longer suffering”, “they can rest now” … and for the most part the sting is lessened. I recognize death approaching and start coaching myself in advance, so it won’t catch me off guard. I prepare myself!

As of late I’ve been battling with a fear of being unprepared. It’s a fear caused by the current homicide rate on target to be higher than it has ever been. It’s a fear caused by outwardly expressions of racism and hatred. It’s a fear caused by my love for the men in my life, all black men for that matter. It’s a fear caused by major illness developing earlier in life. It’s a fear I’ve not yet been able to develop a coping mechanism against.

The message of longevity is no longer relative ……. and I don’t know how to prepare for that!

I’m thinking this through as I write, because as you know this blog is a compilation of my thoughts, and it has occurred to me that maybe I’m not supposed to prepare. Maybe I should process death as it occurs and deal with the associated emotions at that appointed time. Maybe trying to prepare is stepping into territory I have no control over…….

Wait a minute, could that be my true fear – not having control?

Oh Lisa, you silly girl….. Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells you “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”. How can you prepare for something that’s predestined?

(1) Stay grounded in your faith, whatever that may be. (2) Pray for strength and understanding (3) Recognize that which you can’t control and focus on what you can. (4) Put good into the atmosphere (5) Trust that you’re going to be ok, even when things aren’t ok. (6) Pray for others

In other words, Stay in your lane Lisa!

The Eyes Don’t Lie

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Allow me to tell you a story about a teenager in love. It’s a classic girl meets boy story, but the ending is anything but happily ever after.

At sixteen she was in love from the moment he expressed interest. If she was versed on listening to what was said she would have heard what he said, sadly she’d never been taught.

He never promised her the world, he never expressed an interest in commitment but him wanting her was all that she needed to plan a wedding in her thoughts. Her imaginary children had names, her house a picket fence, and yes …. there was a tiny dog in the front yard.

One day someone approached her with boastful energy and spoke some dream shattering words. She turned to him for clarity, and trusted his truth – unfortunately it wasn’t hers.

Years passed and she still held on to her painted picture, although reality altered the vision. She’d experienced life with other people but never shook the desire to go back to him, and so she did. She learned to live with hurt because it was more bearable than the pain of not being with him.

SHE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH HURT…..

she began to accept hurt …

she trended towards people that hurt her….

she equated hurt with love….

She silently lived a hurt filled life until an elder poured wisdom into her. This woman of ripe age sat her down and said your eyes – I look in your eyes and can tell your smile is a lie. The entire conversation, which lasted all of 10 minutes, focused on the need for her to love herself more.

I said in the beginning this wasn’t a happily ever after story, but now that I reflect it really is. There’s no marriage of a lifetime nor was a child born, but she walked away from his hurt and created her own reality…. one free from pain of not being with him!

Believe that you deserve better and spend each day strengthening your ability to walk away. There’s no weakness in needing help, everyone could use a listening ear from time to time. You deserve to be loved, and that shouldn’t hurt. Your eyes tell truths your lips never speak, one day someone will see through your smile.