After more than two years of precautions and caution I strayed away from masking and distancing trusting my crowd of choice to be a good choice.

My weekend was jam packed! I spent Friday night with the girls, Saturday afternoon at a brunch, Sunday was filled with two church services, and Monday I helped a friend pack a few items to move after work.

The reentry into society was much needed! My mind no longer felt imprisoned and the small burst of time spent with people outside of my home was revered. I felt free, so free that my calendar doesn’t hold a date available for the next six weeks. I’d sworn during the height of the pandemic that once outside opened I’d stay in the streets, and I was holding true to my word!

I woke up Tuesday morning and logged on for work at 7:30 by 10:30 I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open and feeling like I’d been on the losing end of a fight. I logged off, took an at home Covid test, waited 15 minutes to see the results, and once I confirmed it was negative laid down for a nap. The longest nap ever…..

Wednesday I awoke with fever and tested again. This time the results were an almost instant positive. Just like that I had become a statistic!

I consulted with my doctor, contacted anyone I’d had close unmasked contact with Saturday through Monday, and slept. My symptoms include headache, fever, chills, muscle aches, fatigue, loss of appetite, diarrhea, and vomiting. Some would say that’s pretty much all of them, I say thank God it’s not!

I’m writing about my experience because I was vocal about vaccination. I did numerous posts encouraging my limited friends list to make the right choice and get the shot. I argued the importance, at times to no avail. I shared my experience with the Moderna series, and was certain to highlight the bad along with the good – and now I am positive!

Thus far I can say the vaccine has done what it was designed to do! I’m by definition high risk – diagnosed with hypertension and classified as morbidly obese. I haven’t required hospitalization (thank you Lord) I haven’t felt like I was on deaths doorstep (thank you Lord) I’m three days into my symptoms and able to stay awake all day and sleep all night (thank you Lord).

I stand by the importance of vaccination! Through a temperature of 103.4 I was able to say Lord thank you because I know this could have been worse.

I had discussion with the doctor about antibody therapy, and we decided not to go that route. We agreed that my signs and symptoms weren’t bad enough to chance the side effects of the treatments – NOTE: while my position on the vaccine is strong, my opinion on the therapy is need based. Should I worsen there is a plan – for now I hydrate and rest.

As a vaccinated person I can comfortably come to you and share that I’m positive, still confident in my choice and recommendation!

Outside may never be as open as it once was. If all goes well I’ll be back in the streets next weekend, masked!

Where do broken hearts go? It’s a question often asked but I wonder if there’s an answer known.

Did the journey of my heart end high up on that hill or had it met the end of forever months prior when an eager yes was replaced by a stern not now.

Never again will I feast on a fruit forbidden, for it’s taste isn’t worth the agony. Never again I say, and I’ll hold myself accountable because the end result is too tortuous to bear.

I’ve spent eighteen nights asking for peace to come in my dreams only to awaken and replay the memories of what was. I’ve spent just as many days trying to escape those thoughts and focus on the present only to be reminded that my tomorrow’s have been forever altered.

That’s the focus of my thoughts tonight, alterations!

I have two choices: wallow in grief until it consumes me or alter my perception – I choose the latter. I can’t wait for peace to come in the midnight hour, I have to live peacefully throughout the day!

My pen is therapy and keeps me from the cliff of depression. My words are prescription strength, no provider required. I admit my cure is far less complex than most – and for that I consider myself blessed. I don’t minimize the needs of others, no matter how high maintenance they may be – in actuality I’m on the sidelines cheering them through their struggles because there’s joy for all of us!

We’re stronger than our greatest failure, how can I say that with certainty you ask – because it didn’t kill us! Write through / Talk through / Fight your way through – you owe it to yourself!

I can sleep tonight – can’t stop! I’ll seek joy tomorrow – won’t stop! My alterations are ready – got to keep going! Joy cometh in the morning, and I shall be cloaked in it!

It’s been too long since I’ve taken a moment to sit and simply be!

……..not to be a black women in society, fighting to remain at the top of my game. Working harder than my counterparts that lack melanin, only to be underappreciated and underpaid.

……..not to be a lover, more committed to the needs of another than he’ll ever be to mine. Living my reality of responsibility failing to realize it’s nothing more than a fantasy.

……..not to be a friend to all, spreading myself between activities and events. Afraid to appear less than supportive but too humble to speak the words I need time to myself – to simply be.

The past few weeks have forced me to be brutally honest with myself. To look at my actions, to critique my faults, to create a game plan so not to revisit the error of my ways – and there are many!

My life has aligned itself with happiness and I plan on doing everything within my power to maintain it. I’ll struggle, I’ll make mistakes, I’ll fail – but through it all I’ll simply be Lisa!

Is there ever an easy way to embark upon the final goodbye?

5 years ago I learned that a friend was sick. I found out on the day of diagnosis and immediately started to prepare myself for the end.

I continually checked on his needs and offered to be of assistance in anyway that I could. He never needed anything, assured me he’d never leave, and promised his fight was bigger than the disease.

He was right, his fight was mighty and he gave it his all – until he couldn’t.

So here I am faced with goodbye. I look around me and notice a mutual associate crying his eyes out, his tears serving as a conduit of my own. I didn’t want to fall apart, I couldn’t! I rehearsed this moment and coached myself to stay in character. Why am I weeping?

Well, scripture tells us that weeping may endure for a night…. it doesn’t speak of rehearsals and coaching. From cradle to grave there are some things we simply can’t script. There are things we have to go through.

I took a moment to get myself back in character, during which time I noticed the clouds above. Each more fluffy than the last and moving in such a soothing motion. The master director, my God, sent peace through the sky.

That final goodbye took place high up on a hill overlooking the city, I broke character and wept until a sign came that joy comes in the morning! – adios mi diablito 💋, this is my final goodbye………

I had a conversation with my mother today about the season of Lent, more specifically the last words. She asked which is my favorite – I answered the seventh. In a surprised tone she asked why but in the same breath went on to tell me what her favorite is.

Why is a question I didn’t think I could  clearly answer so I sat down and wrote out my thoughts to see if I could explain.

The story, regardless of translation, walks us through the torment and torture of Jesus. It provides an indepth account of Mary’s anguish over her son being nailed to the cross. It teaches both the believer and non-believer alike life lessons.

The last word, my favorite, “It is Finished” was spoken prior to Jesus’ death. The words signaled the prophecy had been fulfilled and the story tells us following the word He hung His head and died.

In my untrained mind I turn to the hardships of my life for understanding and this is what I’ve come up with. From onset Jesus told people who He was and what His purpose among them was. Some downplayed His greatness, but He stood firm and continually forged ahead.  On His last day of life he stood before the masses knowing that He had done what he was called to do, His life had been lived according to its purpose and he knew that one day soon to come the naysayers would be forced to acknowledge Him.

So, here I am going through life in search of the approval of man – why? I do my best at most things but yet question if my best is good enough. My best is what it is and if the people don’t acknowledge it, so what!

My desire is to live a life of service unto others. I’m sure there will be plenty of mistakes along my way but I’ll be walking in my purpose.  That last word is my favorite because in the end, when all was said and done – the rock was removed and Jesus wasn’t in the tomb, just like he said.

Be of your word, be true to your word, believe in yourself, and let people witness your greatness.

So why is “It is finished” my favorite word? Well, forgiveness of my worst was packaged in the prophecy. Jesus said so, and I believe it to be true. I get up each day reminded of such and for me, that’s enough for me to simply be!

I can’t fly a plane but I’ve never missed a flight because I’ve placed my safety in the hands of the pilot.

I can’t swim but I’ve never been afraid to jump waves because I’ve always trusted the response time of the lifeguard on duty.

I can’t sing but I’ve never shied away from belting out the lyrics of my favorite ballad because music soothes my troubled soul.

I can’t find love but I’ve never stopped searching because I know it exists somewhere, someplace.

I’ve made it through another February 14th as a single woman and survived because I am love – patient and kind.

Love on yourself single ladies! I can’t predict when companionship will find you (me) but I trust that we’ll be ok so long as we never forget that our purpose extends beyond the twenty four hours of Valentine’s Day.

I was told “I don’t want you” by someone that means the world to me. I’d proven that I’d do anything within my power for this individual but my best wasn’t good enough.

The words ripped through my heart like paper in a shredder. In that moment I wasn’t angry, I didn’t think of mean spirited things to say in retaliation, I simply replayed the words in my mind until I was numb.

Never did I have regrets for the person I was, and honestly I’d play the same role if the scene played out again. Having said that, the feeling of not being wanted caused me to temporarily question my worth. In trying to find out why, I found that the reason didn’t matter. The result was clearly stated and I needed to be ok with it.

How does one be ok with not being wanted? One comes to peace with the reality that sometimes there is nothing we can do to make others value our presence. We don’t discount our worth, we don’t downplay our purpose, and we damn sure don’t stay for the purpose of being present.

What we do is process our feelings so they don’t consume us. We cry if we need to, we write if it helps, we call a confidant and confess the good / bad / and ugly – we keep living.

Today’s I don’t want you can become tomorrow’s I’ve been waiting for you, but you can’t give up on yourself.

The last text I sent read “You crossed my mind today so I wanted to say hello. I hope you’re well! Happy New Year….” – its status still says “delivered”

I’d grown accustomed to maybe getting a response, but I made a promise that I’d never completely remove myself from his life and the occasional message was all I had to offer.

When his health, or arrogance, didn’t allow him to respond that “read” status alerted me that his eyes saw my thoughts – and that was always enough.

I recently learned that his health has declined and that message I sent can’t currently and may never be seen. I’ve prepared myself for that call, and I’m ready – way’ell more ready than I was when cancer appeared a few years ago.

I’m reminded of the importance of telling people they’re loved while they are able to receive the message. I’m reminded of the importance of documentation, and thankful for years of messages between us to reflect on.

Our unconventional friendship taught me a lot about myself and forced me to lean on my faith for understanding. When nothing seemed to make sense “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” gave me peace. When I convinced myself that I was being punished for actions of past “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” was my comfort.

I’ve silently had a headache since yesterday, if I’m honest it’s probably heartache that’s caused elevation of my blood pressure resulting in a headache …. either way I recognize it! “My eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief”

I’ve kept my word, and whenever that next call comes I’m ready! “To be absent from the body AND to be present with the Lord” …..that’s a reason to celebrate life!

I took a call from a coroner today, she needed to notify the office that a 44 year old patient passed away.

I also received notification from one of my providers today that her 92 year old patient passed away.

Following the first call there was a sense of sorrow; however, the second was followed by a sense of jubilation. Two death notifications within one eight hour shift, two separately identifiable reactions.

Death isn’t searching for rich or poor, it doesn’t show favoritism towards Caucasian or African American, it’s not concerned with religion / faith / nor belief systems, and it doesn’t provide an extension based on age.

Death comes to each of us, the question is whether or not we’re prepared. It’s said to be like a thief in the night but reality is it’s not limited by time.

In both of today’s scenarios I was able to identify pleasurable exchanges that could be written out and delivered to the family – LIVE LIFE IN AN HONORABLE WAY SO THAT WHEN YOU’RE GONE YOUR MEMORY WILL BE A SOURCE OF SOLACE

That’s my thought for tonight, and my goal for tomorrow!

One of my greatest struggles in life is knowing when to let go of relationships. I look for the best in people and hold onto that image of them – even after they show me there’s another side I’ve ignored.

I hear words that are spoken but reduce their importance based on actions. I’d never allow a man to say that he loves me while putting his hands on me because the words don’t mirror the abuse.

Things get blurry for me when I hear the words I don’t care for you like that but I care for you. My life rationale is to base situations on actions so to be treated well seems to mute what was said. I’ll justify holding on because we’re good together – or stay committed because it feels right – mute to the reality that a relationship where feelings aren’t mutual can be just as toxic as one that is abusive.

While I’ll never allow a man to put his hands on me there’s reality in the fact that I’ve abused myself by holding on too long, mentally tormenting myself because the here and now feels right.

In the past whenever a relationship failed I’d review each season of it trying to pinpoint where I failed. It occurred to me one day that it’s easier to pour my best into the atmosphere, making it easier to walk away from a failed relationship (situation) without regret. Read that again, and ask yourself WHY HAVE I ASSUMED THAT I FAILED?

I’m beginning to think that I may be an EVE without an Adam, and if that’s God’s plan for my life I have no choice but to accept it – but being knowledgeable about the story of Sarah allows me to remain hopeful! (minus the pregnancy portion of the story).

I’ve referenced male – female relationships up to this point but there’s also the story of Cain and Abel, yea there’s family relationships that you have to let go of as well.

There’s a lot of people struggling with letting go for one reason or another. The thing of one person is different than mine but what’s common is we’ve convinced ourselves that our life wouldn’t be as enjoyable without it – oh but it can and will!

Take a day and go without whatever that thing is, work through the struggles – fight through the urge. If you give in don’t lament just try again the next day. As long as there is breath within your lungs you can overcome, and should try to.