Life has been filled with joyful moments that replaced the need to purge thoughts, until recently……

Just a week ago, I sat before a television cheering on my hometown football team as they secured their place in this years Superbowl. The energy throughout the city was electrifying, and Philadelphians blanketed the streets as proud residents, not individuals with different beliefs.

The Commanders returned to Washington without ticker tape or fanfare, and the Eagles prepared to converge upon the Big Easy. We rejoiced in victory for three days and three nights, but on the fourth night tragedy struck as planes collided over the skies of Washington, taking the lives of 67 individuals.

Gears had to shift, and beating the Commanders became less important than praying for the District of Columbia. Following the accident, hurtful – harmful – hateful things were said that simply were untrue. A distraction from the reality that lives were lost yet a reminder of the reality that this is life!

Anger replaced empathy, and at a time when the nation should have grieved, it argued politics!

On Wednesday, we prayed for Washington and come Friday, we stood in need of prayers ourselves.

“PLANE CRASHES NEAR ROOSEVELT AND COTTMAN” were the headlines! The area is a crowded intersection surrounded by businesses and homes. Preliminary fatalities are reported to be six, but now that the sun shines, a new story may emerge.

How did we go from on field rivalry to shared devastation? The shift from Washington vs. Philadelphia to Washington and Philadelphia makes no sense!

Two cities divided yet united by tragedy, nothing makes sense!

I walked into a familiar situation, anticipating, expecting, wanting, hoping for a different outcome. I ask myself, what advice would you give someone else? How would you advise them to proceed ….. and my answer is don’t!

Don’t subject yourself to uncertainty. Don’t commit yourself to a situation where you’re putting in the majority of the work. Don’t give your dream of what could be more credence than what reality is revealing … but make adjustments at your own pace.

Your velocity can’t be determined by the opinion of others. Your tolerance can’t be measured by what someone else would or wouldn’t do. Your end result requires an understanding and commitment to yourself!

But what happens when your self wants the dream to become a reality to the extent that you become creative with excuses, providing justification for actions that have not existed?

What happens when you become comfortable with the provided minimum, ignoring that your worth exceeds mediocre? You ask for little, receive less, but hold onto a belief …… because it’s your dream manifesting into reality!

Reality is obscured, and it appears that the sequel to your fairytale will never be written, but your heart still has a firm grip on the dream ……. anticipating, expecting, wanting, hoping for it to become reality!

“I’ve taken a chance I swore I’d never take and spoke words I said I’d never speak. The immediate outcome hurts a little, but the freedom feels good! I don’t want to predict the end game, I’m not interested in playing out the scenarios, I simply want to exist in the moment! I let go of the choke hold on my truth, allowing me room to flourish – tonight my heart soars, never to be caged again. ” – I wrote these words in August of 22′, and today I sit, still living in the moment but with hope and desire for the end game I’ve envisioned.

Seventeen months seems like an eternity!

My truth today has not changed: I both love and am in love, and I speak it freely. I love with purposeful intent and dedication. I love from my soul out, with a full spirit. I love this love.

I struggle with understanding how I can be so good with pen to paper but fall short in the area of words to ears.

I’ve told myself that actions speak louder than words – but are actions a universal language, and do I possess proficiency?

I’m constantly told I am a writer in denial. How can that be when I lack the basic skill of communication? Let me think about that for a second: Do I lack or do I fear?

Having lived a life of rejection, denial, inadequacy, and heartbreak, fear sounds far more realistic! I chuckle in this moment because as the saying goes, there is nothing to fear but fear itself! So where did I fall short?

Do I fear having my wants and desires fulfilled, or is it fear of failure? Do I fear being worthy of it all or losing it if I ever receive the blessing? Let’s think about that!

To be worthy first requires an unwavering belief in oneself. It requires trusting that you can, even when everyone around you says you can’t.  It requires that you show up and be present for yourself!

Um, we’re on to something here…

Show up and be present for yourself ! How many of life’s challenges could have been avoided if we did exactly that! If we told that other person how we felt, instead of being fearful of rejection? If we said no to that drug, instead of being afraid of being square? If we turned down that drink, not being afraid of peer pressure? If we walked away from that disagreement, not afraid of appearing weak? How different would our outcome be?

It’s time for me to use my voice more and  my pen less. I’m not relying on my actions to speak for me. Instead, I’m using words! The outcome is important to me, but not comparable to me being present for myself!  That’s how I’ll change my outcome! How can you show up for yourself to change yours?

You can overcome anything by believing you can and speaking self-worth over the situation! Tell yourself you’re worthy until you start to believe it! You are worthy of that relationship! You are worthy of being drug free! You are worthy of being alcohol free! You are worthy of a peaceful existence! Simply stated, you are worthy! Confidently stated, I am worthy!

I took a spiritual gift analysis years ago that outlined my strengths and weaknesses. The results were interesting, but I didn’t explore them in depth.  A few years later I tested again, with little to no variation in the findings  – again, I acknowledged but didn’t act.

It has become difficult for me to ignore my greatest strength recently. In fact, I’ll say it’s been hard not to walk in my gift.

I spoke with a young person today who believes they are in a hopeless state. The conversation was one of the most difficult I’ve endured, but I got through. Most importantly, I got them through! I hung up feeling that I hadn’t done enough but realizing I did all I could – yet  here I sit unable to unwind!

The results of my analysis caution those with my gift not to become consumed with the circumstances of others, but I didn’t read how to prevent it from happening …..

I don’t know how to keep it from happening!

My heart hurts tonight for the child that feels unloved in this world – for the adult incapable of loving – for those with the gift of mercy showing that can’t find peace in this moment because the troubles of the world are heavy.

I’ll lay awake tonight and take the analysis again, confident that the results haven’t changed but now willing to accept my gift and operate within it.

I was certain that I’d be able to continue life happily ever after never realizing a gift ignored is simply deferred. The problem is that deference doesn’t last eternally.

I started writing as a way to release my thoughts so they wouldn’t consume me. I grabbed the keyboard and typed until all the worries in my world were gone. Lately, I’ve been too busy to write but also too busy to think. Tonight I scheduled myself to sit still, exactly one year after he took his last breath!

Today I reflect on the friend he was and how his death impacted me. Today I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn’t form. Today I tried to allow myself to feel the hurt, but nothing overcame me. Today I’ve realized that sometimes things can bury so deeply within that they fail to exist, or at least it will seem that way.

How many of you run from reality regularly?

As I sit here tonight doing nothing I think of things left unsaid – some for good reason. I also think of things said – some of which should not have been. With each thought, there’s a level of comfort- as if all is well.

I’ve finally reached a point where I’m no longer afraid of my thoughts, at least in this area, and I can comfortably say goodbye! REST IN HEAVENLY PEACE JB!

I sit tonight reflecting on the sorrow that surrounds this time of year. There is something about this season that tugs at my heartstrings, something with the potential to overpower me and create mental ruin, something that has unsuccessfully tried for several years to break me, yet here I stand!

Thinking back over my life, the first seasonal blow I recall was about thirty-seven years ago, on December 26th to be exact. That was the day my grandmother passed away. Her death and burial are a story for another time, but I now recognize a pattern formed after that traumatic day.

About twenty-six years ago I was introduced to relatives I had never met. I recall the day vividly because it was on my birthday and I accompanied my parents to my cousin’s. funeral. Fast forward to today, my birthday also shares the transitional anniversary of another cousin.

I will skip through the dejected details of sorrow-filled similarities but for those of you into numbers, I will provide some dates of significance: 111, 718, 1105,1215, 1221, 1226, 1229, and 1230. (Good luck)

I previously mentioned I still stand, which is true and I know to whom thanks are due for my steadfastness, but I recognize others may not be existentially tapped in and that creates a space for addiction, depression, and other dark forces to manifest.

With that in mind, here is my thought for tonight: dates have purposeful meaning that can and will consume you if your focus is not redirected.

If you find yourself fighting to find joy through the holiday season, I challenge you to identify the date/dates associated with the struggle and change the narrative. In my case, I can’t bring my loved ones back but I can reflect more on the happy moments life afforded us and less on the loss. In what ways can you reset and refocus?

Have you ever tightly held onto a truth due to uncertainty and fear? If you’re like me you’ve analyzed every possible outcome and made the decision that keeping it in would be best – but is it?

I’ve held things in for years, literally. Others recognized what was obviously clear, yet I denied and deflected – until I no longer could!

It’s interesting how one can go from having it all together to realizing it’s being held together by a thread. Funny thing, even then I minimally shared – just enough to justify the outcome I’d envisioned.

Once the truth was spoken I could no longer fabricate. The very sound of my voice made the experience real, and real makes space for hurt! Isn’t that why we hold onto the truth so tightly from start, because we knew it would result in pain?

I’m sitting here tonight wondering why, if I had already created a pain filled finale, why did I delay the inevitable?

I think it’s possible that I held on so tightly that I created my own pain. I hid from reality assuming I knew what was best, when others knew better. As a child there’s someone to warn you against danger, as an adult you’re left to your own understanding – and that’s a dangerous place to dwell if you close your mind.

I’ve taken a chance I swore I’d never take and spoke words I said I’d never speak. The immediate outcome hurts a little but the freedom feels good! I don’t want to predict the end game, I’m not interested in playing out the scenarios, I simply want to exist in the moment! I let go of the choke hold on my truth, allowing me room to flourish – tonight my heart soars, never to be caged again.

Once again the unimaginable has crept into our lives, this time it was an elementary school in Texas. Our babies are defenseless against the boogeyman and we’re continually failing to protect them.

I chose to process differently this time, because I needed to. I didn’t watch around the clock media coverage. I didn’t focus on the tales told. I refrained from engaging in multiple conversations on the incident. I chose to protect myself by not being present in that moment.

I don’t have a solution! I don’t know how to fix this; therefore, I can not allow it to impact my mental stability.

Um, that’s a thought worth writing about! There are a multitude of situations that I take personal responsibility for that I have no control over, yet I spend countless hours fretting over. Lisa, you can’t make that man think the way you do! Lisa, you can’t make that woman “friend” like you do! Lisa, you can’t make that person act as you would!

I started this blog during the pandemic so I could free my mind of thoughts that were causing anxiety. I needed to release unhealthy energies so the best version of myself could come to the forefront. I needed to make my thoughts available to the world (well, my limited audience) for feedback and reassurance.

I started by speaking of the situation in Texas, did that young man have someone he could talk to about his troubles? How about the individual in NY, did he recognize that he needed to release thoughts that were consuming him? How about California, where did he go for feedback and reassurance?

We have to start openly talking about mental illness! Those “strange” people we avoid may be battling unseen dark forces. We can’t make fun of nor isolate them! I don’t suggest that untrained individuals try to counsel nor advise but everyone can offer a kind word.

The most helpful experience for me has been learning that others are dealing with similar anxieties. I’ve been able to get what I need through sharing my thoughts – others may need specialized care, and I encourage therapy! I can’t fix the whole world but I can work on my individual world – if you don’t know, that consists of me / myself / and I. What are you doing to improve your individual world?