Author Archives: Chocolategem

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About Chocolategem

I'm ever evolving into the woman God intends for me. I'm not totally certain what that looks like but through this blog we'll grow together.

Giving ME all I need

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“Ain’t no way for me to love you
If you won’t let me
It ain’t no way for me to give you all ya need
If you won’t let me give all of me” Aretha Franklin – “Ain’t No Way” – 1968

It’s amusing to me that a song released three years prior to my birth is on my top twenty five favorites list, but it is. It has become my anthem of understanding in an odd way and you might catch me singing the intro whenever I need to be reminded of my purpose.

Knowing a loved one is in the midst of a storm sends me a signal to throw on a cape and rush in to save the day, but what happens when they don’t want to be rescued? How can I fulfill my obligation to help when I’m being shut down and / or shut out?

My obligation?? Let’s think about that for a moment! How have the struggles someone else is enduring become my obligation to fix? Why have I placed that burden upon myself time and time again? Have the words I need you been spoken or is it assumed that because I have means my presence is requested? Who gave me the responsibility of being everything to everybody and who is obligated to keep me together?

Keeping myself together is obligatory! It’s required that I provide myself with nourishment and proper rest, among other things. Without that I can’t be all of me, nor will I be equipped to be any of what my loved one needs IF they call on me.

Putting myself first isn’t selfish, it’s simply a way of ensuring that when I offer myself to another person’s situation I am providing the best version of myself there is.

Understanding that I occasionally need time to myself has helped me appreciate when another person says they want to be alone, even when the urge to swoop in rages.

{exhale} Someone I adore is going through something heavy right now and has stated that they need time alone. I’m devastated for them but respect the space they’re in. I’ve found myself singing tonight…….

Trials of the Heart

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You’re hearby sworn in and the court is ready to hear your testimony. Remember the verdict isn’t final and the condition of your heart may be damaged, temporarily.

Excess time spent together suggests your presence is appreciated but is that merely minutes wasted? Are there episodes of laughter hours long or is there silence lingering within the bond seconds at a time?

Are you prone to give your all without expectation only to be left wondering if a caring heart can continually accept without giving anything in return?

Have you clearly declared your desire for someone with sincerity, but it feels as if they’re so cold to affection that they can’t embrace your truth – will they not allow themselves to be the chosen one?

Oh, the chosen one….. is that where the problem lies? Would being the needed one make the relationship easier to navigate? Could you relying on them for your sense of being make time move at a heartbeats pace?

Actions speak louder than words…….or do they? This is one of those grey areas that often times require more than a quick verdict. The case has been presented for consideration………

all evidence has been reviewed…..

and the verdict, go with what you feel, your gut will never lead you down the wrong path. Trust yourself to be strong enough, even when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Lastly, love yourself unconditionally – that’s how you’ll heal a damaged heart.

The truth will find you

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I had a friend once, the perfect relationship it was. Peas in the pod is what they called us and you rarely saw one without the other. We traveled along our joyful journey together until one day the road came to an end.

Things were done which resulted in words being said that forever changed the magnitude of the friendship. While we remained friendly the strain of the infraction changed the perception I had of my friend so I abandoned the pod.

When others learned of the friendship failed they, without hesitation, shared “I don’t know how you” stories. Some had tales from days long ago while others simply saw the friendship as being one sided from its beginning. None previously expressed their dislike of my friend, but once the opportunity presented itself there were no feelings withheld.

The love of my life shared a story of this friend of mine being overly friendly once. According to him this incident took place during an event I brought her to – and it was far too uncomfortable for him to tell me. He never knew the specifics of the incident that caused the friendship to dissolve but his confession placed him in a position of suspicion.

In a drunken rage my friend made some eyebrow raising confessions. I never had doubts about what she’d done – I never cared why she did it – and I did’nt want to know who, until the moment that my love spoke his approval of the friendship ending “because she”.

The dynamics that resulted in my friendship ending, the exact situation she blurted out, the grimy and backstabbing incident that forever changed my perception of her was also his because.

I never went looking for who……it came to me!

In life things are revealed to us in due time, not necessarily our time. We don’t have to play detective, there’s no need to set up surveillance, all we need to do is walk heartfelt and intentional steps.

The sting of having to walk away from my love hurt less because the pain was absorbed the day the pea pod split.

Praise Break!

I was a friend once, the perfect friend I was – and that I will continue to be! Be careful not to transfer punishment, onto yourself or others. Grant the guilty party freedom from your life so that you can live.

The Recipe of Love

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A listening ear: emphatically attached to the needs of loved ones while tuned in to the outside world listening for the sound of harm in the bushes.

A shoulder to cry on: during the good and the bad that life offers – broad enough for the troubles of the world yet gentle enough to absorb every tear.

A kind word: perfectly formulated to build and encourage yet skillfully trained to defend when all other defenses fail.

A gentle touch: it speaks the perfect combination of comfort, support, and encouragement without the need to converse.

A smile: it’s warm and welcoming! When perfectly timed it convinces the world that all is well.

Eyes: they tell the stories buried deep within, that’s where the essence of a person is stored. Every truth, every emotion, every like and dislike- the eyes speak what the lips won’t.

Peace: inhale it, fill your lungs with it and exhale it into the atmosphere. This is the secret ingredient in the recipe of love!

I’ve saved a seat at the table for you – come dine with me!

Head of the Table

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I wore a brand item of my favorite WWE wrestler today. It’s a black shirt with white letters and the slogan “Head of the Table” I posted a picture of myself captioned “few will get it” without providing additional details.

Two people outright told me they didn’t get it and asked what it referenced, my response was to send them a picture of Roman Reigns wearing his signature shirt. Someone else joked of me being out of pocket (refer to Urban Dictionary if you don’t know what that means). Not one person commented of the strength of the statement.

Roman is the head of his family – the alpha dog if you will. He’s faster, stronger and the most popular at THIS time. I place emphasis on “this” because Roman comes from a long line of wrestlers. You may not follow WWE but I’m sure you’ve heard of his cousin Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

In addition to being a crowd favorite turned villain, Roman is also a survivor! He stepped away from wrestling a couple of years ago to make his health a priority and came back even stronger after beating his biggest opponent, leukemia.

In addition to all of that, the man is perfectly created – but that has nothing to do with this story.

This is about his brand slogan and why I am drawn to it. “Head of the Table” speaks to me. It screams accountability and provision. It shouts consideration and preparation. It also whispers brother’s / sister’s keeper.

When it comes to my life I am the final answer regarding my time (unless my mother overrides). If I eat no one with me will go hungry and anything at my disposal is shared freely with those in my village.

A few years ago I was at a Dunkin Donuts and a homeless woman asked me for money. I told her I wouldn’t give her cash but she could order something from the menu and I’d pay for it. She ordered the most expensive item on the menu, which honestly caused me to raise an eyebrow, but I said I’d pay for it and I did. Upon leaving the store I noticed her go behind a trash dumpster and from my car I saw her distributing the food to two children. At that moment I did what the “head of the table” would do and went back into the store and ordered another meal so that she too could eat.

Accountability and Provision – Consideration and Preparation are mindsets! To be your brother’s / sister’s keeper is a responsibility. I wear Roman’s shirt as a fan but its meaning is so much more!

Self Analysis

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Several years ago I completed a “Spiritual Gift Analysis”. The results helped me to understand myself and provided confirmation in areas where self doubt existed.

Simply Lisa is about inspiring, encouraging, and strengthening ourselves as individuals so we can be an asset to others. Tonight instead of thoughts I’m sharing a link. Complete the survey, reflect on the results, and consider ways to intentionally incorporate your “gift” into daily practice.

Spiritual Gifts Survey

Apologetically Flawed

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Today I snapped and yelled at a person that wasn’t the source of my frustration but was the closest to me at the moment my tolerance boiled over.

In that moment, which lasted too long, I became someone I didn’t like.

Transparency Alert: there is a side of me that’s short tempered, unforgiving, judgemental and opinionated. When that side comes out I will scream, curse, and say / do whatever it takes to ensure everyone within ear shot knows someone / something has irritated me.

Just as I began to develop signs of blood pressure elevation the following thought came to mind: “let he who has not sinned throw the first stone”. This replayed in my head until the anger and frustration were gone reminding me that at some point in time I’ve been the source of someone else’s irritation. I have surely done or said something that has caused another person to lose control of themselves and in my arrogance I expected that person to be ok with my actions.

Why would a person accept ugly behaviors from me and why should I accept such from someone else? The answer is quite simple, they shouldn’t and I shouldn’t – nor should I or anyone else use a bad day as justification for idiotic behaviors.

What if I adopt a mantra and recite it to myself throughout the course of my day – would that minimize the opportunity for frustration to build? Could I have my favorite song in a mental storage space to turn on when needed as a stress release? Better yet, can I fix my focus on the person I want to become giving no energy to the ugliness weaved into my character?

This thought doesn’t end with an at my best moment, because today I failed to be such. Instead, it ends with a couple of apologies – one is due to the undeserving person that I lashed out at and the other is due to myself for falling short of my expectations for myself.

Reset button activated!

Tomorrow I sing myself into a peaceful state of being.

The unimaginable year

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Twelve months, three hundred sixty five days.

For most people this is a period of highs and lows with quite a few forgettable moments sandwiched in between. The change of seasons provide opportunities for varying degrees of engagement, often pre-planned but not exempt from spur of the moment pleasure. There’s an expectation that every day won’t be sunshine and laughter but the belief is that the majority will……what happens when your year takes a turn for the worst with no sign of normalcy in the forecast?

Covid-19 wrecked havoc on the lives of many. It wasn’t discriminatory, it didn’t have a preference, it wasn’t favorable of weather conditions nor was it considerate of previously made plans. To be frank, it was hell on earth.

Nearly a million people died as a result of a virus! I feel blessed that my life and that of those nearest and dearest to me were spared but I heavily grieve the loss of too many precious people. Watching the news became depressing, being a healthcare worker caused angst, and the thought of answering an incoming call triggered anxiety attacks. At times I felt like I needed to run away but there was no where to go. Outside, as I knew it, had closed and although the entire country was dealing with the same fate coping wasn’t easy.

While attempting to exist in this new norm of Zoom meetings, mask wearing, social distancing, and hand sanitizer in abundance I was forced to fall back on an old belief, prayer! I prayed for myself and my family / friends, that sickness wouldn’t enter our homes. I prayed for strangers, that their lost of income wouldn’t create financial ruin. I prayed for souls loss, that they’d be welcomed into heaven to sit at the foot of The Most High. I prayed for grieving families unable to come together in celebration of the life their loved one lived. I prayed, I prayed, I prayed……

Throughout this past twelve months, three hundred sixty five days I’ve adjusted to the new norm. The things of new don’t seem impossible anymore and the things of old have found a place in every day practice. My morning starts and my evening ends the same way, in prayer.

I’ve started asking myself if it’s possible that the great states of America, and the rest of the world, forgot the importance of prayer. If maybe our arrogance built by free will had placed us in harms way and we were too filled with modern day beliefs to realize we were headed into catastrophe. Is it possible that we became so busy with meetings and life that we forgot to sit down with family and simply exist?

I loss a cousin in Atlanta from complications of Covid and news of her passing shook me to my core, but not because of her death. I checked my phone to see the last time I text her and found no call log. I checked messenger to see if I had sent her a message and years had passed since our last conversation. I had become too busy to keep in touch with someone that’s no longer here. I had to make peace with that reality, and that was a difficult task.

Covid has been hell but it has also been a great teacher. We can’t do yesterday over and tomorrow isn’t promised so live today as if it is your last. Reach out to that person you haven’t talked to, forgive that person that hurt you, and most importantly make time and take time for yourself, unapologetically!

The key to your happiness

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For my birthday last year I asked everyone to share something with me they’ve never stated. It could be via letter, email, or text. Out of the multitude of friends / family / associates that had access to my request the number of responses I received were few in number.

Those that took the time to respond provided some valuable feedback, some of which lead to the formation of this blog. All of the feedback had me feeling like I’m a pretty amazing human! The words of a few even inflated my ego and not one person shared a negative sentiment – which brings me to today’s thought…….

I asked for letters so I could do a self analysis prior to turning 50 this year. I wanted to know what I’ve done well so that I could build upon those behaviors and what I’ve done poorly so I could correct those actions. What I learned is that I already knew what I do well, I already knew who would respond, and aside from a couple of surprises I was dead on. What I didn’t realize is that I subconsciously wanted a specific individual in my life to respond. I wanted that individual to share sentiments never spoken. I wanted …….. so much so that I burst my own bubble of happiness by questioning why I didn’t receive that which I asked for.

How often do we grant someone custody of our joy? I’d argue that if we sit and think about it the answer is too often.

I’m caring, I’m thoughtful, I’m engaging, I’m always there for others, I’m a confidant and a protector of those I care about. I know that I am because multiple people confirmed that’s who I am. People told me what I already knew about myself and it felt good to know that my perception of self is accurate but all of that wasn’t enough because one person didn’t say so.

The area that requires improvement wasn’t spoken, it was realized. My internal and external response to not getting a letter from that person showed a flaw within me, something that needs correction. My happiness isn’t given to me by man so how had I allowed man to chip away at it?

How often do you have a good day until someone comes along and ruins it? How many times have you been excited about plans you made then changed them to suit the interest of someone else? How many times have you questioned your greatness because no one else acknowledged it? If you can relate to any of these scenarios you, much like myself, need to take back control of your happiness.

You know who you are, you’ve been living with yourself for a long time. Who you are is enough – even if that person never says so! I’m going to continue being who I am, who those whose lives I’ve touched say I am.

Do a self analysis of who you are. Build upon the good, correct the bad, converse with a higher power (mine is God), and don’t allow joy killers residency in your heart nor mind!

That person never shared a sentiment, and to this day, almost 90 days after my birthday, still hasn’t and guess what… I’m ok with that!

Love Checklist

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I’ve spent most of my adult life looking for someone that will love me the way I want to be loved. I don’t ask for a lot but yet I’ve failed to find someone that satisfies my needs.

That statement brings to question what my needs are……

Honesty: love can’t blossom where lies and deceit are planted.

Respect: know who I am and treat me accordingly.

Protection: make me feel safe from all that can and will go wrong.

Peace: calm my frustrations with your words

Stability: let there be no place for wonder or doubt

These needs sound reasonable right? I thought so too until someone forced me to question my relationship with myself. I was asked if I fulfill the very needs that I expect someone else to satisfy. I immediately said yes but was challenged to look deeper.

Have I always been honest with myself? Truth be told I’ve looked for love in places that I knew it didn’t exist then fell into a he should have told me state of depression when it fell apart. I didn’t need him to tell me what I already knew. He wasn’t dishonest I simply created a reality that I wanted to exist.

Have I always respected myself? Complicated question but the reality is I haven’t! I carry myself with respect, as a lady should, but I’ve been places and done things that went against my individual and personal beliefs. I’ve allowed uncomfortable stuff to surround me in an effort to fit in instead of staying true to who I am.

Have I always been my greatest protector? Not at all! There’s a multitude of situations that I’ve placed myself in that could have gone horribly wrong. (Praise break: if it had not been for the Lord on my side)!

Have I been a personal source of peace? Refer back to my responses regarding honesty, respect, and protection! Peace is never found in the midst of messy situations.

Have I provided myself with stability? I’ve made choices / decisions that continually kept me in mental turmoil. I could have decided / chosen differently but ignored all the warning signs hoping to change the outcome. It didn’t work!

Upon completion of the challenge the following was stated “until you figure out how to love yourself according to your needs you’ll never find someone else that will love you the way that you want him to”. – WOW!

Allow me to share my prayer with you – tweak it to meet your needs but add it to your daily schedule: Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I come to you today unworthy but willing. I’ve been in my own way for far too long and need You to remove me so that I may continue to grow. I need to be more to myself than I have been so that I can become all that you desire for me to be. I seek love in ways that I haven’t loved myself, help me to do better so that I can attract better. Lord you have a purpose for my life that’s been unfulfilled, get me to where I need to be so that your will can flourish. When I’ve reached the place of better I trust that love will find me, until then mold me – shape me – create in me the spirit in which you desire. This I ask in your most holy name, Amen!

I’m a work in progress but definitely loving myself more, the way I want to be loved!