Author Archives: Chocolategem

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About Chocolategem

I'm ever evolving into the woman God intends for me. I'm not totally certain what that looks like but through this blog we'll grow together.

Understanding

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While perusing social media today I came across an article discussing the murder of Daunte Wright. The focal point of the story was the resignation of the officer that shot him and the investigation into how the “deadly accident” occurred.

I have a habit of going through the comments after reading a post – it’s my belief that they afford me a glimpse into the mindset of people from varying backgrounds. There’s so much more to the world than the Philly state of mind – ha, that’s funny considering………..

Stepping away from the feelings of an angry black woman for a moment, I can vehemently state that my heart breaks for the mother grieving the loss of her child! The death is devastating for her – the circumstances surrounding the loss are unbearable. While her heart is shattered into pieces, the bloodshed of her son has sparked debates on if he should have resisted and if his record justified the shooting.

Disclaimer: it is my belief that no one should ever be pulled over for a traffic violation and end up dead! If this statement bothers you my thought tonight isn’t for you!

In recent months we’ve seen a mass shooting in Georgia and another in Colorado, in both instances the shooters were apprehended. In the not so distant past we’ve had people killed in churches, and again arrest were made. We’ve also seen a marathon bombed, and yup another arrest – but for some odd reason traffic stops keep ending in murder?!….

I want to understand, but not at the expense of a grieving family. I want to understand, but not at the expense of riots and city wide destruction. I want to understand, but not at the expense of accepting this as a way of life.

One of the comments I read said: Daunte had an outstanding warrant for a gun charge, knowing the threat the police reacted accordingly.  I questioned if the outstanding warrant was a threat – because a cop was killed in Colorado and the killer was arrested. I want to understand!

Another comment spoke to police being human and possessing a degree of fear that makes them vulnerable – I’d imagine the insurgence on the Capitol being a tense situation. I want to understand!

I get it! I know why I don’t understand!My level of understanding is compromised by the lack of understanding shown towards life loss, black lives loss. This can’t be life and until change is realized, I will never understand!

Another

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Another black man was killed this weekend – am I referring to the one shot by police during a traffic stop or the one gunned down in the middle of the street left to be discovered by the innocent eyes of a passerby?

Another mother grieves tonight – has her pain been caused by the negligent hands of someone sworn to protect and serve the community or by the actions of a failed community?

Another debate grows on social media – are police killings more despicable than black on black murders or is it simply an easier mountain of disgust to climb.

Another can’t always relate to the harshness of the world – there has to be some good found within in order for sanity to be maintained…………..

Another opportunity for me to give thanks for the protection surrounding me and my family. Another opportunity for life to be lived, to be enjoyed, to be valued. Another opportunity for me to give and receive love. Another opportunity for me to be at peace with knowing that as bad as today looks tomorrow is just over the horizon.

another day of reflection – another opportunity to share my thoughts!

Thankful Grateful Blessed

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I typically end my night with a variant of the following prayer: God thank you for allowing me another day. I’m unworthy of Your goodness but thankful because You’ve given me more time to get right. If it’s Your will that I see tomorrow I give thanks for that as well – if it’s not I ask forgiveness for all my wrongdoings and acceptance into Your kingdom, forevermore.

It was of His will that I awakened this morning and He placed some gentle signs of encouragement within my senses to let me know my prayers were heard.

The birds were singing a beautiful tune which indicated a new day. The sweet sound penetrated my hearing prior to my eyes opening – prior to the sun shining. A new day means new opportunities, and the celebration had already begun.

Raindrops were taping against my window, signaling that the wrongs of yesterday were washed away – today I have an opportunity to let right into my space, and return it to the atmosphere.

The wind was blowing through my window and circulating throughout my place of slumber. The place where my thoughts run rampant was being purified. I sat on my bed for a moment and simply inhaled the fresh air, filling my lungs – fueling my energy.

In the distance I heard the sound of an ambulance rushing to provide aide. In that moment I was reminded that while it was His will that I see today someone else – somewhere else did not receive the same fate.

I’m thankful for my today, with senses intact. I’m thankful for the birds, the raindrops, the wind, and the sirens. I’m thankful for new opportunities for myself and all who read this blog. I’m thankful for those that don’t know or don’t choose to support my thought sharing process. I’m thankful for those that will find fresh wind written within my words and gain new strength inside themselves. I’m thankful for family, friends, and enemies – all of which provide a source of encouragement. I’m thankful, I’m grateful, I’m blessed!

LORD GIVE ME A SIGN

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The world received word that Earl “DMX” Simmons passed away and it hurt. The Gen X and Millennial generations felt a pain that could only be soothed by the sound of his voice, so they turned to his music.

If you grew up in Philadelphia during the years of the “Greek Picnic” you’re not a stranger to the ‘Ruff Ryders Anthem”. It was released in 1998 but has the same relevance today. “Stop, Drop, Shut em’ down, open up shop. Oh No” …… that’s all it took – that’s all it takes.

Throughout the years DMX gave the world multiple hits, his raspy voice and signature growl spoke of the demons he battled, demons that ultimately became too much for him to overcome: it hurts because we witnessed the struggle from the sidelines and prayed for him to win.

We’ve been in this space before, the area of losing greatness to battles against addiction – some we watched unravel, some suffered in silence, each one stung.

When Whitney Houston passed away I questioned how many of us have relatives in the midst of the struggle that we’ve turned a deaf ear to. When her daughter Bobbi Kristina died I asked how many times are we going to post “RIP” without acknowledging addiction is real.

Gerald Levert, Michael Jackson, Prince, Rick James, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, etc .. etc .. we’re continually being robbed of talents the world benefitted from – and then there’s those without name recognition.

We have to stop viewing addiction as a choice and start treating it like an illness! Until we do this families will continue to lose a link, RIP will continue to trend on social media, and we’ll continue to feel the hurt caused by the loss of sons and daughters, known and unknown.

I took time off to grieve the loss of an icon. For solace I went to “Lord Give Me A Sign” – in the words of DMX, “I really need ta’ talk to you Lord – Since the last time we talked, the walk has been hard
Now I know you haven’t left me, but I feel like I’m alone” …..

Are We Good?

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Too often we feel guilty for making ourselves a priority, but why?

We need rest, it’s required – yet we often skimp on it. We’ll run ourselves into a state of exhaustion and then become frustrated with our inability to perform.

Our body needs nutrients, it’s required- but we’ll go about our day from duty to duty unintentionally fasting and wondering why we’re slow and sluggish.

I had to use the ladies room today at 4 pm. That’s the first time I felt the urge to go since 6:30 am. The color of my urine alerted me that I had simultaneously failed to rid myself of toxins and hydrate, but why?

What’s more important than me?

On an average day I’d probably respond with nothing is more important than me but in reality that’s not true, there’s a lot of things more important but I still need to make myself a priority!

Life doesn’t only provide black and white scenarios, there are a multitude of grey areas. Putting this into a day to day perspective decisions shouldn’t be approached from a me or them perspective, there’s us moments – and those are the game changers.

Tonight I’m taking care of myself by way of making sure someone I care about is ok – he’s good, I’m good – and yes, I’ve had my daily allowance of water.

Stay In Your Lane Lisa!

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The year was 2010, I believe the month to have been August. My cousin passed and my family from near and far gathered to celebrate her life.

The service was intimate and upbeat while the message primarily focused on her longevity and the lives she touched. I recall feeling a sense of peace, which was odd because she was the sixth immediate relative to be buried in ten months. I’ve often referred to that as the worst year my family has had to endure, worst being defined by the number of people we loss.

I cope with death by mentally making sense out of it. I’ll tell myself “they lived a good life”, “they’re no longer suffering”, “they can rest now” … and for the most part the sting is lessened. I recognize death approaching and start coaching myself in advance, so it won’t catch me off guard. I prepare myself!

As of late I’ve been battling with a fear of being unprepared. It’s a fear caused by the current homicide rate on target to be higher than it has ever been. It’s a fear caused by outwardly expressions of racism and hatred. It’s a fear caused by my love for the men in my life, all black men for that matter. It’s a fear caused by major illness developing earlier in life. It’s a fear I’ve not yet been able to develop a coping mechanism against.

The message of longevity is no longer relative ……. and I don’t know how to prepare for that!

I’m thinking this through as I write, because as you know this blog is a compilation of my thoughts, and it has occurred to me that maybe I’m not supposed to prepare. Maybe I should process death as it occurs and deal with the associated emotions at that appointed time. Maybe trying to prepare is stepping into territory I have no control over…….

Wait a minute, could that be my true fear – not having control?

Oh Lisa, you silly girl….. Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells you “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”. How can you prepare for something that’s predestined?

(1) Stay grounded in your faith, whatever that may be. (2) Pray for strength and understanding (3) Recognize that which you can’t control and focus on what you can. (4) Put good into the atmosphere (5) Trust that you’re going to be ok, even when things aren’t ok. (6) Pray for others

In other words, Stay in your lane Lisa!

The Eyes Don’t Lie

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Allow me to tell you a story about a teenager in love. It’s a classic girl meets boy story, but the ending is anything but happily ever after.

At sixteen she was in love from the moment he expressed interest. If she was versed on listening to what was said she would have heard what he said, sadly she’d never been taught.

He never promised her the world, he never expressed an interest in commitment but him wanting her was all that she needed to plan a wedding in her thoughts. Her imaginary children had names, her house a picket fence, and yes …. there was a tiny dog in the front yard.

One day someone approached her with boastful energy and spoke some dream shattering words. She turned to him for clarity, and trusted his truth – unfortunately it wasn’t hers.

Years passed and she still held on to her painted picture, although reality altered the vision. She’d experienced life with other people but never shook the desire to go back to him, and so she did. She learned to live with hurt because it was more bearable than the pain of not being with him.

SHE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH HURT…..

she began to accept hurt …

she trended towards people that hurt her….

she equated hurt with love….

She silently lived a hurt filled life until an elder poured wisdom into her. This woman of ripe age sat her down and said your eyes – I look in your eyes and can tell your smile is a lie. The entire conversation, which lasted all of 10 minutes, focused on the need for her to love herself more.

I said in the beginning this wasn’t a happily ever after story, but now that I reflect it really is. There’s no marriage of a lifetime nor was a child born, but she walked away from his hurt and created her own reality…. one free from pain of not being with him!

Believe that you deserve better and spend each day strengthening your ability to walk away. There’s no weakness in needing help, everyone could use a listening ear from time to time. You deserve to be loved, and that shouldn’t hurt. Your eyes tell truths your lips never speak, one day someone will see through your smile.

Let’s talk about alcoholism

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There’s a family secret invading households that doesn’t show discrimination – financial security doesn’t exempt you – gender preference doesn’t protect you – race nor religion won’t make the battle less difficult!

This secret damages self esteem and morale leaving hurt along its path. If ignored or swept under the rug long enough the battle passes down from generation to generation, terrorizing bloodlines.

For today’s thought I spoke to someone near and dear to my heart about her struggle with alcohol. I’ve celebrated her best and supported her through her worst, never truly understanding what her worst looked like behind closed doors. She’s my cousin but more like a sister, here is a glimpse into her life as an alcoholic.

Q: How did you know you had a problem with alcohol?

A: There were times I would say I wasn’t going to drink today or this week then next thing I knew I was drinking. I graduated from casually wanting a drink to needing a drink to function daily. I lost self control! The first of the twelve steps as it relates to Alcoholics Anonymous is to admit we are powerless over alcohol and that our life has become unmanageable.

Q: How has addiction affected your family?

A: I’m well loved and cared for and I know this for sure! My mom told me I needed to get help probably everyday. She threatened to have my kids taken from me, the whole nine yards, lol! My concern came when I could no longer be in denial about how my children were being affected. I was present physically but mentally and emotionally I was not there for them. At the end of the day everyone has a suggestion and or opinion, especially from the outside looking in, but none of that mattered until I began to dislike the person I had become.

Q: What was your breaking point?

A: My rock bottom was blacking out: not being able to remember long moments of time, phone calls being made, text being sent, ordering take out for the kids dinner, cussing people out for no reason other than me being drunk (although it is said a drunk tongue speaks a sober heart) so maybe they did deserve it – but seriously blacking out did it for me because I could only imagine it getting worse if it continued. Then there were the constant hangovers and uncontrollable shakes, yup all that going on became too much! Drinking was no longer pleasurable, my tolerance was increasing and it became an expensive habit.

Q: What does “one day at a time” look like in your life?

A: Simply put, just as I feel about the first step it means exactly what it says one day at a time – but for me there are moments when its one second, one minute, one hour at a time so each day is monumental for sure when you are an addict. It’s also the inspiration for my next tattoo and a possible name for my business venture.

Q: What advice can you provide someone struggling with alcoholism?

A: Find YOUR reason and believe in a higher power, something / someone higher than yourself – allow that to guide and motivate you. Do not allow yourself to be pressured, forced, manipulated or guilt tripped into seeking help IF you’re not ready. Its your journey and yours alone no matter how big your support system is (which is a beautiful thing, mine is da bomb). No one is in control of your sobriety but you! Keep in mind relapse is a part of sobriety as well so if that happens, tomorrow is a new day!

Cindy Maria is the mother of two and a Glam-ma of two. She’s born and raised in Philadelphia and the oldest of four children. In addition to making her business concept a reality she works full time and rarely misses an opportunity to create memories with family and friends. I thank her for allowing me to share her truth, in hopes of helping someone else.

If you or someone you love is an alcoholic and ready to get help please visit: http://www.aa.org

Stand

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“Tell me, how do you handle the guilt of your past?
Tell me, how do you deal with the shame?
And how can you smile while your heart has been broken
And filled with pain?” – Donnie McClurkin

This became one of my hype songs a few years ago when I was finding my way out of a situation. I was heavily in the midst of a “this is your fault” moment and punishing myself with a “you deserve it because” mindset when the song caught my attention.

I didn’t notice tears had began to stream down my face – I never turned the sound down but everything around me went silent – Other than a gentle rock back and forth I was unable to move.

In its entirety the song lasts approximately five minutes and twenty three seconds, that’s how long it took to cleanse myself of the hurt and pain I had been holding onto for too long.

In that moment I was dealing with “a” thing but unbeknownst to me a “bunch” of things had merged together and created “that” thing. It’s the “bunch” that I needed to let go of and the strength to do so came to me in the form of a melody.

Let me attempt to explain: have you ever given your best to someone who betrayed you, swore you’d never go through that with anyone else, then found yourself in a similar situation with someone else? – Stand!

Have you ever willingly participated in wrongdoing and came out unscathed but mentally battered? – Stand!

Have you ever lessened your self worth for the approval of someone else? – Stand!

Have you disappointed yourself in thought, word, or action? – Stand!

I look back on “that” thing and I have a testimony to tell (one day). I trust without a doubt that I’d be on a merry-go-round of actions and emotions if that moment had not occurred. I can’t explain why it happened when it did but I’m thankful for the cleansing.

Addiction, adultery, abuse, fornication, neglect, greed, illiteracy, failure to forgive…….. these are some of “the” things that form into “bunches”. These are the things that fester within us, poisoning our ability to love ourselves and others. These are the things we need to purge ourselves of so we can, so our children can, live life richly.

There’s a melody already written that will speak to your “thing”! Until it reaches your hearing, hold on …. or as the lyrics say, Stand!

Help Us!

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Tonight I’m hurting, because those surrounding me are. Tonight my mind is operating in overdrive, so I’ll leave you with this thought:

Lord and Savior Jesus Christ HELP US! Our world is in need of your presence right now. Homicide rates, addiction and sickness have grown more powerful than we ourselves can manage while respect of others has become modern day strange fruit.

We need you in a bad way right now, HELP US!