In finding my voice I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to share. Before getting into all that, it should be said that I’ve never been void of vocabulary and holding my tongue isn’t likely. Some would identify me as being outspoken or always having something to say, few refer to me as the “one with the words”. With all that being the case, I now know where the strength in my words is positioned.

Circumstances have forced me to think before speaking! There’s always a response comfortably resting on the tip of my tongue but I’m now more reserved in responding. The self enforced five second delay provides opportunity to determine if the situation warrants the energy.

In a situation where my energy needs to be exerted the delay allows time for word restructuring. The quick response can come off harsher than necessary and create a bigger problem – a problem that didn’t have to exist.

Exchanges aren’t necessarily fair anymore, with that in mind I approach every situation as a potential battle. While I’ve never been afraid of going to war, and at times welcomed it, I’m currently not interested in summoning my army for dispatch.

Most importantly, some situations don’t require response. Simply remaining quiet in the moment says far more than an arsenal of verbal weaponry ever could.

This weekend afforded me the perfect opportunity to go off on someone I care a lot about. The quick response was positioned, the 5 second delay supported the barrage of disgust, the situation deserved every bit of my energy – and I remained silent.

I’ve found my voice in silence and it sounds, and feels, amazing.

Lord, if I may take a moment just to talk to you…….

I recognize that I’m unworthy of the blessings you’ve continued to bestow upon my life and for that reason I continually give you thanks. I take not for granted the gift of my eyes opening each morning and strive to make every breath a tribute to you. Lord on my best days I may fall short of the mark but on my worst days I’m drawn closer to you.

You’ve allowed me to sustain employment, shelter, transportation, and health – even during periods of self sabotage and neglect. You’ve given me the ability to detect the presence of harm and kept me protected each time I’ve ignored the signs. I thank you through the good and the bad!

There’s a shift occurring in my existence that’s providing me proof that my life is not meant to be lived for me but for others. I don’t have full understanding of my purpose but believe with all my heart that you have a plan for me. Provide me strength to stay on course!

Lord you’ve forgiven me in areas of my life that I’ve yet to forgive myself, please provide peace in the midst of insecurity. You’ve seen beauty beneath the ugly words I’ve spoken and expanded my ability to share joy, even when it’s lacking within me – please continue to provide growth..

Habakkuk 2:2 says to write it down and make it plain – well Lord I have a vision that requires your omnipotence. Steer me along the path you’ll have me travel, protecting me from myself along the way.

In my relationships, continue to govern me! In my interactions, continue to guide me! In all that I do, continue to lead me!

Thank you for being Alpha and Omega in my life ….. Thank you for loving me when I wasn’t loveable …… Thank you for fresh wind ……. AMEN!

I remember telling my wusband several years ago that I wasn’t a flower type chick. He had gotten into a habit of stopping by the local supermarket to purchase a bouquet hoping he could buffer my temper when he knew he had done wrong.

The flowers he purchased were a representation of his latest failed get rich quick scheme – I expressed my dislike for flowers so vehemently that I began to loathe them, when in actuality it was his ways that I found displeasure in.

It didn’t take long for him to realize the purchase was a waste of money – no matter how beautiful the bouquet my fury didn’t weaken. During that same brief period I managed to lose appreciation for one of nature’s most beautiful gifts.

As I’m writing this I’m thinking to myself how immature my thought process is as it relates to categorizing disappointment. I say “is” and not “was” because as of this very day I can’t think of the last time I purchased myself flowers or stopped to smell them for that matter.

Truth be told I love flowers, my favorites being the calla lilly and hydrangea. I enjoy the smell of flowers and the beauty boost they give a room. Without thinking too hard I can identify a few flavors, places, and people I don’t like because of a specific affiliation – things I’ve unjustly banished from my life during a period of misplaced defiance.

{Insert Chuckle} I stayed in my marriage for ten years, I’ve been divorced for almost ten years, that’s a huge period of my life! If I had a child he / she would have grown up believing his / her mother doesn’t like flowers – he / she would have taught my grandchildren that I didn’t like flowers. Whew, my whole hypothetical bloodline wouldn’t appreciate the beauty of flowers because I had convinced myself that I didn’t like them.

Um, makes me think of relatives I never knew because my grandfather didn’t associate with them – colors I never wore because my mother didn’t think it complimented my complexion – places I didn’t visit because it wasn’t something my family did.

If you’ve cut someone / something out from your life due to association I challenge you to ask yourself if it / they were the problem or a casualty of the problem. If it / they were the problem walk away without regret but if it / they were a casualty examine what you’re missing out on. Generational baggage needs to be unpacked! Some of it will be as simple as buying a bouquet of flowers and enjoying the aroma – some may require mediation, counseling, therapy. Whichever speaks to your situation, you owe it to yourself to lesson your load.

(Wusband: was my husband)

I’ve often thought about booking a session with a psychic medium, in fact I’ve told a friend that I’ll go with her one day. She recently loss her mother and wants the opportunity to hear from her once again – the hope of the medium providing that moment is simultaneously exciting and overwhelming for her.

My request is different! It’s been 11 years since my sister suddenly passed away. I was there while the doctor’s were trying to figure out what was going on with her, I was beside her when she said she was scared, I watched as life support was disconnected, I stayed until her last breath. I’ve often wondered if she knew she wasn’t alone and if peace replaced fear prior to her death.

I’m torn between believing in the ability of the medium and being grounded in my faith. While I trust and believe in the scriptures that speak to a grieving soul I’m still drawn to the possibility that there’s a message awaiting me that I’ve yet to receive.

I grew up in a family with people that possessed an ability to converse with loved ones gone. From stories I’ve been told, most had dreams of revelation while others could see / hear / feel the presence of ancestors. As a child I found it scary – as a teen I didn’t give it any thought – as an adult I’m wondering if that ability died with them or if someone from my generation is in possession of the ability and has yet to tap into it.

As a small child I had an imaginary friend named Monster Bobby. As my mother tells the story he and I were inseparable. While outside one day the neighbor heard us playing and became emotional. She had a son named Bobby that tragically died, prior to my parents purchasing their home, while outside in their yard. He rolled down the embankment and a tree branch lodged in his nose and punctured his brain. It turns out that my friend was more ghost than imaginary – sorta like my very own Casper.

Some years later my paternal grandmother passed away. I recall being in my room with my sister and a maybe a cousin. As I laid in my top bunk an image that looked and sounded like grandma hovered over me. I took flight and ran out of the house long before learning the reason for the visit, in fact I wasn’t interested in the reunion.

As an adult I met friends in New Orleans. We decided to participate in the ghost walk. Upon entering the store to purchase tickets I became ill – sweating, dizziness, nausea and headache. The shop employee told me to leave the store immediately and explained “they’re all trying to communicate with you”. You can imagine I wasn’t interested in having a conversation, my only concern was why this happened to me and my girlfriends weren’t affected.

This takes me back to if someone from my generation is in possession of the ability and has yet to tap into it …… who do you talk to about this without people thinking you’re crazy? Is this an area in which I should be praying for a better understanding of or deliverance from?

Ironically, I rarely remember dreams, something tells me the answers I seek are hidden there. I’m more open to ancestral visitation now than I was when my grandmother passed – although I’m not posting a welcome sign on my bedroom door any time soon. Taking time to talk this out has provided me a new prayer:

Lord, I ask that my dreams become clear and the message they contain come fourth. I ask understanding of the knowledge that may present itself and the ability to handle the weight of the responsibility. I ask that you remain present as my protector and provider and not allow access to anything meant to harm me. I trust your will for my life and embrace both the unknown and unexpected. This I ask in your name, Amen!

Maybe my sister will be the first to visit my dreams – she was always better with saving than me so it would totally be like her to bypass the medium so I could save a few bucks. I’ll keep you updated!

Yesterday I waited on bated breath as the world listened to the judge read former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin his fate. Each charge was read out loud, followed by the sweet sound of “guilty”

As if an all counts conviction wasn’t enough, the judge also stated bail was revoked and Chauvin, the now convicted murderer of George Floyd, was required to remain in the custody of the state correctional institution.

It’s was pretty difficult to find a news outlet that wasn’t reporting on the verdict. People of all ages, nationalities, and backgrounds stood together in solidarity celebrating the judicial victory. We the people could breathe for George because the jury got this one right.

The sweet smell of victory didn’t last long. Reports of a 16 year old killed by a police officer in Columbus spread quickly and the bond formed over the Chauvin verdict was broken.

Agreement in regards to this case doesn’t come as easy. Initial reports had tempers boiling then body camera footage was released – and disagreements popped up within households.

I myself have a lot of thoughts after watching the footage. I used my social media pages to engage with others, hoping my emotions could be tamed. I don’t stand with the racist cop movement, not this time – based on what I saw I can’t – I watched as a bad situation turned worse, and I hate it! I hate that a young woman is dead, I hate that an officer had to use his weapon to protect a black teen from a black teen, I hate that adults stood by and watched as the brawl unfolded. I hate the entire situation.

As I sorted through my thoughts I read a post, shared by a stranger, that expressed what I felt. It read: “what’s sadder than the life of this young girl being killed is the reality that her life wasn’t valued by the people responsible for teaching her a knife wasn’t needed during a street fight”

I hate this entire situation!