Will I ever be enough for a society without limits? Can I care enough, trust enough, believe enough, pray enough? All I know how to be is Lisa, is she enough?

I was at Wawa yesterday and had a brief encounter with a woman that appeared to struggle with mental illness. I did what I could to offer assistance in the moment but left feeling that my best wasn’t enough. Should I have engaged in conversation with her? Should I have purchased a gift card for her to use another day? Did my assistance in that moment provide relief or did I contribute towards a larger issue, one that couldn’t be outwardly detected?

(exhale) I woke up this morning with this unknown woman on my mind, wondering if I did enough – if being Lisa was enough.

I remember watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” back in the day and as I played along quite often I found myself needing to phone a friend.

The concept was quite simple, if the contestant didn’t know the answer to a particular question they’d call someone they trusted for assistance. It was quite common for the friend to provide a much needed bail-out but an opt-out option was available in the event they couldn’t.

Believing that I don’t know everything and trusting that there are times when I’d be dead wrong I found myself applying that concept to my every day life. Phoning a friend became normal practice whenever I was uncertain about a choice I needed to make.

Today I needed a friend. He didn’t give me the answers to the problem but he provided a perspective I hadn’t considered which caused me to view my choices differently.

Lisa heard “I don’t want you” whereas my friend pointed out there’s a grey area screaming “I need to figure things out on my own”. He presented an arguement for providing space while remaining present – something I struggle with being an all in type personality. He also reminded me that walking away is the easy way out but will make for a few sleepless nights.

I don’t know if I’ll stay in the game long enough to advance to the next level but my friend provided the lifeline I needed to get some rest, at least for one night.

I thought I had it right this time, but I’m starting to feel like I thought wrong. I wanted it to be right this time, but I’m wondering if I’m capable of wanting what’s right for me. I believed I got it right this time, but are my beliefs embedded in reality?

I think!

I want!

I believe!

Today hasn’t provided my wants, but tomorrow is filled with potential and possibility. Tomorrow is another opportunity, for my wants to be fulfilled.

Oh tomorrow, please be gentle – my heart wants and needs love.

I was in a virtual meeting awhile back and a disagreement turned into disrespect. I’m not sure if the individual realized her tone but it reshaped both my opinion of her as an individual and my desire to work with her as a teammate.

In that moment I fought the urge to snap back with profanities and an invitation to meet me outside, actually I’m still struggling with wanting to square up with her – let me pray on this!

Anyway, no one corrected the incident of disrespect which lead me to question the loyalties of the team. The sight of seeing hashtag family in group messages doesn’t stimulate warmth and fuzziness as it once did. A blind eye turned to childlike behaviors of a grown woman annoyed me more than the original infraction.

I found myself mentally debating if I should continue to belong and fight to change the culture that’s become acceptable, or cut my losses and walk away.

As this mental meeting was taking place my physical being was angrily cleaning, which lead me to an old photo album. As I looked through the pages there were a multitude of images that reminded me why I choose to belong. Written on one of the pages were two phrases, “lead by example and others will follow” and “control wrath so not to be controlled”. I sat and reflected on that for a few moments.

As I’ve taken this journey through life the challenges of control have proven difficult. My emotions, my passion, my affection, and even my wrath flow freely from my lips. I’ve taught myself to hold some things in but still find myself working on letting go – this sounds familiar.

Let go Lisa, it’s ok to simply let go!

Stress is, trying to plan a birthday celebration and not being able to move beyond the thought process because years of disappointment has dimmed the expectation of enjoyment.

Disappointment has been created by elements beyond my control. Things like being a winter baby and the unpredictable weather that comes along with that and having a December birthday and getting lost in the holiday hustle.

This birthday deserves more than the club party I enjoyed at twenty-five! I’ve evolved beyond the jeans and boots era and this celebration has to reflect that – somewhat, because the beat of the music still needs to make the floor shake.

I’ve found a few venues for consideration and talked myself out of each one. The reasons for not booking have been justified but as I’m clearing my head of this thought I have to question if I’m preemptively sabotaging my plans to avoid disappointment.

I’ve been focused on ample parking so the attendees won’t be inconvenienced and close proximity so weather conditions won’t be a hindrance – stressing over is actually a more accurate descriptor. Very little thought has been put into what I want, and that’s simply a celebration of my life.

If this thought belonged to someone else my advice would sound like this: plan your party for yourself, those that want to be there will make a way. Don’t skimp on any details because you deserve the best. For once, make yourself a priority and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You ask for little so you deserve much, from others but most importantly from yourself.

Don’t reminisce on moments past when opportunity presented itself in the present, but you were too self indulged to seize the moment.

Don’t wish you would have when the opportunity to do was always within arms reach, but you failed to grab it.

Don’t create a safe space in your mind by telling stories of granduer convincing yourself that we were the best of, when you barely knew me.

I’m speaking of when I’m gone – when that day comes that my work here is done please don’t, if you never found time to make time just dont!

I want to smell my roses while I’m here! I want accolades and affirmations to pour down upon me like April showers! I want to know my life matters, now!

My life is more valuable than a hashtag that may never trend. Acknowledge my worth in the present, build me up – encourage me – support me – love me, now ………

I’ve spoken with far too many people that hold regret over something they didn’t say or do while a loved one was alive. Isn’t it time that we do better? Don’t let tonight end on a shoulda coulda woulda – if there’s anyone that came to mind as you read this thought call them – don’t assume tomorrow will afford the opportunity for today’s feelings to be dispersed.

Dear Mommy, there aren’t words to accurately express how grateful I am that we have another opportunity to celebrate Mother’s Day.  It’s been forty nine years since God used you as the vessel of my existence, and you’ve proven to be an amazing conduent.

Judging from my experiences, of simply being me, I know your job hasn’t been easy.  You knew early on in my life that I’d be a lot to manage so you handpicked a supporting cast, keeping me covered in the word of the Lord and surrounded by a loving village.

You kept your door open for those moments when outside may have become too much to handle while allowing me space to explore the world on my own – although I have not forgotten that you denied me the right attend college out of state.

You’ll tease that I’m bougie and profess that you have no idea where I get my ways from, survey says: YOU! You’ll snipe that I’m mean and insist I get my attitude from my daddy, well – that may be true ……. I’d say I’m the perfect mixture of both of you.

I’ve said a thousand times I’m not buying you anything because you don’t need nothing. Well, this year nothing ended up being a custom made hat, because you got jealous when you saw Godmom’s, and a thought dedicated to you.

The first question you asked when I started my website was “and what’s the blog gonna do?” I told you then it’s the first step in the Simply Lisa brand to which you responded “um, a brand that doesn’t do anything sounds like a hobby”  – my sarcastic nature definitely comes from you……

I’m working on a blueprint to build my brand –  in recognition of the amazing woman you are, in celebration of the supporting cast you selected, as a way of saying THANK YOU for allowing me the space to develop Simply Lisa.

I AM NOT PERFECT! I’d scream it from the highest mountain if I thought for a second those that have judged me would hear.

I AM NOT PERFECT! I’ll wear a shirt with the words boldly printed across the front so all within eyesight of me would see the statement as I come and I go.

I AM NOT PERFECT! I own my mistakes, both big and small, and self implement corrective action in an effort to never repeat the error again.

I AM NOT PERFECT! I’ll stand before a crowd and subject myself to the harshness of critics – I’ll pour my vulnerabilities out before them – welcoming their best attack against me.

I AM NOT PERFECT, but I’ll be good to you! At times when you don’t deserve it, during those moments when you can’t embrace it, even during those times that you can’t understand why, I’ll be good to you.

I’ll be good to you because I believe the good one puts into the atmosphere is returned in abundance and my imperfections need doses of goodness to rejuvenate my tired soul.

I AM NOT PERFECT, but I’ll be good to you! If an imperfect girl filled with honest to God goodness isn’t what you want in a friend, if it’s not what you’re looking for in a lover, if it’s not the neighbor of your choice, if it’s not ……… then please, LEAVE ME ALONE!

I AM NOT PERFECT, but I refuse to comply with your opinions of what I need to be. I’m me, and if that’s not perfect enough for you ………… I’ll be ok without you!

It’s a spoken rule that healthcare workers shouldn’t form an attachment to patients. The ideology behind it is understood; however, not logical. On average, a patient with chronic conditions will come into their internist office four times per year – more if they require specialized care. Their pattern becomes familiar and in general conversation you’re bound to share something that unites you.

I’m currently a twenty year employee with fifteen being in the same office. I’ve met a few people that I despise, some I truly like, and a few that I love. My bad days can generally be cross-referenced with a schedule filled with despicable beings, or the loss of a beloved. Today was a loss ……

There’s a place in my heart that holds the memories of the soul that lost her battle against mental health disorder, another place is reserved for my warriors that battled cancer, and more spaces are occupied by the angels that were simply tired and gained eternal rest. There’s a few that gave me no time to prepare and some that came as a relief. Each loss has been different, but impactful.

Today’s loss is a celebration of a man that was ready for his transition. When the news hit my coworkers immediately asked if I was ok (I’ve admittedly not handled a few deaths well) my response was simply, yea I’m good – and I am but I’m heavily in my feelings.

Tomorrow I’ll try not to attach – tomorrow I’ll try to maintain employee focus, but I’m not making any promises. I understand why healthcare workers shouldn’t form an attachment to patients, however I’m living proof that it’s not logical!

There’s a tune that plays in the mind of a lonely heart. Its lyrics seem to have been written specifically for you. It’ll allow you peace, temporarily – but never long enough to let you escape from its grasp. Its base causes your heart rate to accelerate, temporarily – but then it fades leaving you craving it.

My dance with the devil started on a warm and sunny Memorial Day. My routine wasn’t anything out of the ordinary – time with my bestie at a place we frequented regularly. Our conversation and laughter were interrupted by a voice speaking the lyrics of my lonely heart. Ordinarily I’m extremely reserved, standoff-ish is probably more accurate, but I was drawn to him – immediately.

Six foot two, two seventy five, caramel coated, and absolutely arrogant. He introduced himself to my bestie first, informing her he’d be the one to steal my time and attention. He turned to me with the most gorgeous smile I’d ever seen and said I’m your future, you’re going to love me to the point of hate. The next several hours were spent in deep conversation, the rest of the evening in textversation. Those hours turned into days, days into months, months into years – four to be exact.

The tune in my thoughts were replaced by a specimen of perfection that enjoyed my presence. I was so enamored with him that I never noticed his inability to be available on holidays nor his unwillingness to explore unknown territory. He fed me enough details about his life to make me feel comfortable, to make me trust him – until I no longer could.

He called one evening to cancel our plans at the last minute. Knowing he needed to provide explanation he told me he’d received a terminal diagnosis and was hospitalized for emergency treatment. I WAS DEVASTATED! I immediately wanted to pack up and run to be by his side only to hear him say “You can’t come” – While the back of my mind always knew, the reality was a beast to reckon with.

Throughout his treatments communication became scarce, compliments were nonexistent, and time for me didn’t exist. The lonely heart returned, and so did the tune. I tried to ignore it and ended up on blood pressure medication. I tried to deny it and ended up running into others of like kind – but this time around I was able to mute the song. I learned a lesson from my dance!

There are individuals who dance with drugs, some dance with alcohol, I dance with temptation. Temptation awaits me in places I wouldn’t suspect; therefore, I have to expect it. I escaped my first dance with a broken heart and story to tell, everyone isn’t as lucky. What’s your dance?

Oh, and I don’t hate him. I’ll shoot him a text once in awhile to see how his health is but he no longer responds – I’m ok with that!