I’ve bent over backwards to help individuals that don’t think enough of me to send an are you ok text after I shared with them I wasn’t feeling well.

This isn’t being written as a complaint, more so an observation for future reflection.

I’m the what ever I can friend surrounded by if I want to I will individuals…….

I’m the let me help carry your load friend walking through life with a slew of why did you take on so much individuals ………..

I’m the cry on my shoulder friend weighted down by barrels filled with tears of others, fighting back my own because there’s no room for a single drop of my anguish.

I’m the instigator! I’m the beast! I’m the left roaming the streets for signs of true friendship friend ……..

I’m the wrong for cutting you off but damn sure will for the sake of my sanity friend, yup – that’s me!

Confession: I’m remotely antisocial and I suffer from low self esteem. I’m pretty much a complete mess in camouflage.

It’s important that I remind myself of this on occasion so that I don’t fill myself with a false sense of who I am.

I’ve perfected the use of a smile, in pictures and in person. To other people I’m one of the most cheerful people they’ve met and theoretically that may be true. What isn’t seen is the collage of selfies in my phone, taken to align my inner doubt with my exterior shine.

I guess you’re wondering what the shine I speak of is – great question. It’s my dimples, if I’ve smiled hard enough to expose them I’m in a place where pure joy has been experienced.

You’ll see hundreds of pictures displaying nice teeth outlined by a complementing lipstick color but dimples aren’t always present. Pure joy isn’t always present!

Have you ever thought about your pure joy marker? What’s the thing that jumps out when you’re in a good space that you can’t control? Identify what that is and find something that brings that out of you every day. Notice I didn’t say someone but something. Whenever you’re having an at your worst moment stand in front of a mirror and smile / pose / repeat until that thing appears – until pure joy appears.

Outside has reopened and my thoughts haven’t been as overwhelming to manage. I’ve found myself writing less and enjoying nature more. I’ve lived life.

Lived life? Yea, that’s what I said! For approximately fifteen months I was imprisoned by fear – fear of …. Covid-19, racial injustice, violence in the streets, etc. In order to overcome whatever it is that’s holding you back it’s important to first identify the cause then implement a plan to push through.

I’m one that takes the hurts of others personally. I knew this before the pandemic. I’m one that gets discouraged when I can’t fix the wrongs of the world, this wasn’t new to me either. I’m one that’ll shut myself off from the world when too much becomes the norm and too little is present ……. this is my roadblock!

Shutting myself out / off created life lost. Life being equivalent to time and lost being moments I can’t get back.

I want to live! I choose to live! I fight to live! I’m a pretty amazing individual and the world benefits from my existence, I can’t lose life anymore.

I don’t want you to lose life! I want you to live! I need you to choose life! I need you to fight to live! You’re a pretty amazing individual and the world benefits from your existence, don’t lose life anymore – LIVE!

With a mother born and raised in Alabama, a father who served in Vietnam War for two tours, and a Godmother entrenched in the struggle for reparations – I’d say my knowledge of African American History is average.

Through road trips I’ve seen cotton growing in fields still picked by black hands. I’ve detected a sense of inferiority in the eyes of brown people when dealing with authority in southern states. I’ve experienced racism in the north with the expectation that I’d be ok with it, because that’s life.

I’ve had some great teachers: relatives that lived to tell a story and never feared sharing their experiences. Crosses burning in the yard, been there! Police harassment based on race, yea been there too! Injustice, go ahead and check that off while you’re at it.

Despite all the knowledge surrounding me you’d usually find smoke emitting from a grill on my patio July 4th. Tradition overshadowed history; therefore, my family came together in celebration of independence although the events of 1776 didn’t acknowledge nor benefit us.

Here we are in 2021 and Juneteenth is being publicly acknowledged by some elected officials. Finally they’ve granted us permission to celebrate our freedom-ish. Shall I curtsy in appreciation?

This accolade wasn’t given based on merit. This was forced! Individuals taking to the street in protest of injustice (not to be confused with the opportunist), a brave teenager instinctively hitting record as she witnessed the ugliest form of police brutality, and a blue wave that swept the nation forced the recognition of a freedom still yet to be respected.

I don’t give thanks for the recent acknowledgement of a freedom granted in 1865! My gratitude is reserved for the faces and voices of the people that said it’s past time to acknowledge that all people weren’t free when “we the people” gained independence.

“Daddy Changed The World” – Gianna Floyd

I’ve been jotting ideas recently, extra certain to capture the creativity while it’s colorfully etched into my mind. (Habakkuk 2:2)

A few weeks back an idea came to me that was immediately followed by a sense of urgency. I mentioned it to my mother, and without serious thought had developed an action plan to get her on board (Proverbs 16:9)

She was an easy sell, which definitely doesn’t come as a surprise, but she advised that if I am serious about making my idea a reality I needed to call my uncle. (Proverbs 19:20)

He listened to my spiel and asked two questions, why now and what’s your motivation. (Proverbs 18:2) After listening to my response he provided verbal approval and offered his knowledge and expertise to make it happen.

As I’ve said, this took place a few weeks back. While the onset was swift it now feels as if motion has stalled. Cynicism has started to occupy space and defeat seems far more likely than success – but I’m not waving the white flag just yet. (Psalms 37:7)

As a child I spent almost every Sunday in the sanctuary. Most sermons didn’t keep my interest and if it weren’t for my church friends I’m certain I would have gone into a full tantrum so that I could be excused. As an adult I can easily recall sermon scriptures from my youth and apply them to current situations.

Sidenote: place your child in the midst of The Word and it will seep in, but that’s a thought for another day!

Anyway, this is an Isaiah 54:17 situation; therefore, you’ll find me comfortably sitting the waiting room. (Psalms 27:14)

I’ve been neglecting myself recently and today I’m feeling the side effects. It’s imperative that I write, it’s the only way to clear the traffic jam in my head. I told myself I wouldn’t blog if I didn’t have something to say, but maybe that’s when I need to write.

Things have been going really well in my life – I might dare say I’m happy. There’s a smile on my face and joy in my heart but my thoughts aren’t connected. There’s a dark cloud of inadequacy lingering, steadily growing and causing mental strain.

What’s odd, there’s no reason to explain this feeling, what’s scary – it’s those unexplainable feelings that draw people into dark spaces.

I found myself emotional at work today over a common (daily) complaint. I handle this type of call everyday but on this day I couldn’t, thankfully there was someone available to receive the hand-off. The temporary breakdown resulted in me questioning my place within a company I’ve worked for twenty years, friendships I’ve enjoyed, even my purpose………. all this over a problem I can resolve in my sleep?

{exhale} something I don’t do often enough is handoff. I ask for little; therefore, I deserve much – but you’ll rarely hear me ask for help. I can do all things, but every human needs rest. I’ve worked myself tired, tired of being friend – tired of being coworker – tired of being dependable – tired of being concerned – tired of being considerate, just tired!

I need to rest – I need to recharge – I need to speak the words help me into the atmosphere when I require assistance – I need to write, I need to clear my thoughts, I need to protect myself from the pressures of perfection I put on myself. I need to take time / make time for me. I need to SIMPLY be LISA!

I took a huge step today, one I’ve yet to speak into the atmosphere. There’s a part of me that believes the right hand should always be ignorant to what the left hand is doing –  there’s another part so accustomed to disappointment that I choose to move in silence rather than explain failure – then there’s the part that simply can’t fathom the changes taking place in my life.

A few years ago every prayer I spoke started with Lord I recognize that I’m unworthy of Your greatness but I thank You for continously blessing a wretch like me. While I know that I’ve made, and will continue to make, mistakes I’ve matured into a different prayer.

It took someone asking “why not you” during a discussion for me to examine why I felt the need to boast about my inadequacies. I’ve done a lot of good throughout my life yet I held myself hostage to the unworthy deeds.

I started giving thanks for the energy to do good and asking for the ability to continue along that journey. While the ways of a wretch forever live within me the behaviors aren’t exercised nor does the desire control me.

It’s rather often that my thoughts revolve around changing my mindset / expanding my way of thinking. That’s because I’ve spent a lifetime convincing myself that I shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t …. Starting this blog was the first step towards freeing my mind while today’s step elevates my commitment to myself – I can’t wait to publicly share that thought!